Vintage Woo

1 Nov

I recently uncovered the perfect little snapshot of the 16 year old me. It was a list I made of rules to live by and it is reeking of angst, bubble-gum, and Lady Secret Deodorant (my deodorant of choice at that time, it smelled like fruit, who wants mango-scented armpits?).

Below is the life rules I created. I got the idea from the book Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination by Helen Fielding, the godsend that brought the world Bridget Jone’s, my literary twin (I know every girl says that they ARE Bridget Jones but they can just suck it).


Please enjoy this refreshing glimpse into the brain of a teenage girl as I share with you my private (well, it was private) guide to life…

And please watch:

and eat:

to get into my 16 year old mindset.

The following is exactly what I wrote six years ago, the only editing is my name and the deletion of a few poorly placed commas. Also, though I’m horrible at properly citing things (damn you MLS rule-book!), numbers 5 and 10 are taken directly from Olivia Joules.

[Tootsie Woo’s] Rules for Life, According to Olivia Joules Rules for Life

1. You are the only person that you can ever really rely on.

2. Like yourself before you like anyone else.

3. Always look on the bright side of life.

4. When the latter seems difficult, listen to Olivia Joules, and think “Fuck it” it could be worse.

5. “Nothing is ever as good or bad as it seems.”

6. If all else fails be charming, you should always be charming, it doesn’t hurt.

7. Who cares what anyone else thinks, “screw them,” your opinion is the only one that should matter.

8. Listen to your gut.

10. “No one is thinking about you, they are thinking about themselves, just like you are.”

11. Always keep your cool, going berserk can never possibly help the situation.

12. Independence is wonderful and should always be embraced and never taken advantage of.

13. Be yourself and you will be the person you want to be.

14. Grab shyness by the balls and tell it, “hey bitch, you’re not welcome,” then kick it a bit and say, “you best walk away ho.”

15. Shyness is the most unnecessary pain in the ass and should be gotten rid of as soon as possible.

16. Never get too upset over stupid things. It will be apparent if it is stupid when it comes up. Shake it off, there are more important things to get upset to worry about. [???I don’t know…???]

17. Don’t ever let anyone else make you feel bad, follow #7.

18. Be fearless.

19. Don’t ever be afraid to get what you need.

20. Get mad.

21. Love endlessly.

There is something oddly inspiring about an inexperienced teenager confidently writing the out her own rules for living her life with the calm resolution of an old, toothless sage, if I do say so myself. If she can be so in charge of her life than why do I feel so at a loss sometimes? I suppose we can all look to our younger, carefree selves as a guide in a time of need…we are all our own built in gurus.

“Love endlessly.” I suppose that is something I will always stand behind.


4 Responses to “Vintage Woo”

  1. mooselicker November 2, 2011 at 5:38 pm #

    I did something very similar to that before. I made up a ficticious character that I wanted to become and wrote out 100 character traits for that character. It got boring after I ran out of ways to say “be confident” 6 traits in.

    Good advice nonetheless from the you of 2005. Those were much simpler times. No iPads, cell phones couldn’t flip, and I guess that’s all that’s changed. As a society, we really slowed down this millenium.

    • tootsiewoo November 2, 2011 at 8:18 pm #

      That is actually sickeningly cute, younger you, I think you should post some of it if it doesn’t hurt your street cred:) And yes, I want to take a time machine go back to the late 90s and remember what it was like without a cell phone or a laptop surgically attached to me and just watch Pete and Pete on nickelodeon while drinking a blue raspberry slurpee, damn it!

  2. mooselicker November 3, 2011 at 12:06 pm #

    I’d have to lie and say that it was a lot longer ago when I wrote it. It took me a while to blossom into the beautiful butterfly I have become.

    And that doesn’t sound like a bad idea. I caught back up on Pete & Pete about a year ago. I think I enjoyed it more than when I was a kid. Toby Huss should be worshipped.

    • tootsiewoo November 3, 2011 at 9:45 pm #

      Definitely! I’m all about rediscovering older TV shows, I mean The Nanny is an extreme guilty pleasure.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: