Parental Dictionary: Food

Dad: Do you know what my favorite type of food is?

Tootsie shakes her head no.

Dad: A lot.

Parental Dictionary: Law

“…human beings made sex with rats. That’s where lawyers came from.” -Dad

Parental Dictionary: Muffin Tops 2

One post on the subject should be enough…but it isn’t for my mom. Here is her second attempt at using it…

In response to my dad’s new shirt…

Mom: It looks a little tight…

Dad: Are you calling me fat?

Mom: You know why it looks tight? Because you have a mushroom top…mushroom top…mushroom top?

Tootsie: Muffin top!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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Psychiatrist Mom

Mom: Hey, don’t you want some of this soup? It’s really good.

Tootsie: Nah, last time I had it I was sick so it left a bad taste in my mouth.

Mom: You need to have an emotionally corrective experience with it.

Quotation of the Night

“Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.” -Laurence J. Peters

 

New Releases

While listening to an interview on the radio in the car…

Dad: We don’t have to listen to this, you can put on whatever you want.

Tootsie Woo: I’m listening to this.

Dad: Oh.

Tootsie Woo: They’re interviewing this guy about a movie he just wrote, but he’s a graphic designer. The movie is about his father who came out of the closet after his wife passed away. He was 75!

Dad: Maybe he thought it was the front door…

The movie we were talking about, SEE IT!

Name Recognition

Tootsie: I just saw this clip from The View where Elisabeth Hasselbeck went off on Bill Maher and it made me cringe–

Mom: Hasselbeck? Is she related to David Hasselbeck?

Tootsie: David Hasselhoff.

Mom: …So…?

Tootsie: So, no.

Parental Dictionary: Muffin Tops

Tootsie: Mom, these pants shrunk in the wash, do they give me a muffin top?

Mom: What’s a muffin top?

Tootsie: A muffin top. You don’t know what a muffin top is?

Mom: Oh, like a mushroom top.

Tootsie: No, that’s not a thing-

Mom: Yeah, your muffin is showing.

Parental Dictionary

This is what my mom said after I explained to her what a “beard” is. For those who don’t know, here is the definition that is provided by Urban Dictionary…

Beard:

Any opposite sex escort taken to an event in an effort to give a homosexual person the appearance of being out on a date with a person of the opposite sex. A genuine response from my mother: “What do you call a straight man who pretends he’s gay? A vagina?” I obviously relish in the inappropriate.

The Doors are Locked…Don’t Even Try to Escape

Today I had the pleasure of being stuck in the car for 3 hours (at least) with my darling parents as we drove home from the wedding of a family friend. I do truly mean it was a “pleasure” because hearing what comes out of their mouths when totally unguarded and bored for 3+ hours is a real treat so I thought I would share some gems with you…

My dad on kindness:

“We’re not very nice…we hate everyone. We’re like our dogs.”

My dad discussing being introduced to my mom:

“Before I met your mom your uncle came to me and said, ‘I’ve got two girls for you. One’s nice, the other’s easy.’ And I said, ‘Can I meet the easy one first?”

Upon finding a long line for the bathroom:

Tootsie: Did you hear that little girl playing video games on the toilet?

Mom: That’s what the noise was?

Tootsie: Yeah!

Mom: She was taking forever!

Tootsie: I know! She was playing video games on the toilet with full volume. I mean, at least be discreet about it. We’ve all played Angry Birds on our phone while pooping but…at least be discreet…

After getting $20 worth of junk food for the ride:

Tootsie: Hey dad, I’ll get the sodas if you carry the Shame Donuts.