Letter to My Dog

Dear Roxy,

Why are you such a shameless skank? If I wasn’t there when we adopted you I would’ve thought you popped out of some two-bit mutt who sold her wares for biscuits in an alley somewhere. I saw you the other day, wagging your butt–yes your butt, not your tail–at all the other boy dogs passing by, even at Rascal, you’re uncle! Slut. And you do not discriminate when you are spreading your love, legs, and herpes. Oh no. Why, whenever anyone sits down next to you you flip right on your back and are belly up for the world to see your eight boobs. Eight. Show off. This isn’t the 70s, we wear bras now and know what a bikini wax is. So why don’t you get some self respect, cover up your naughty bits, and pass along the title of Town Bicycle to the next generation of insecure and undignified whores who line the streets trying to pay for “computer school.”

Love,

Tootsie

hooker

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This is Offensive

I repeat, this is offensive, so don’t read it if you love lollipops and rainbows and sunshine…of course you can be really into lollipops but also really into Quentin Tarantino and illegal dog-fighting (which is not cool, so leave this blog now, you know who you are…) so use your own discretion:

Shamus: Yo, I know this is a personal question but how do you wipe?

Honest-to-God comment Shamus made to a–wait for it, wait for it–one-armed man.

I was horrified, to say the least, but a moment like this must be shared with strangers over the internet, am I right? Am I right? What? Still wrong? Got it.

Let’s move past this together with a picture of a cute dog to alleviate some tension…

All better.

Letter to My Dog

Dear Rascal,

I don’t want you to feel neglected with all my letters going directly to Roxy, so now it’s your turn… Thank you SO much for peeing on the floor today. Really. Not only could you not relieve your, no doubt, filled to the brim bladder 5 minutes prior when you were on your walk, surrounded by many bushes worthy of your Pure Bred Urine but you peed right in my path making my stepping in it inevitable. It is that characteristic thoughtfulness of yours that really makes cleaning up your shit the highlight of my day.

Love,

Tootsie Woo

Letter to My Dog

Dear Roxy,

Why does it smell like you just ate straight up dookie? Oh yeah, because you did. So not only did you unashamedly eat a piece of excrement right in front of me, you went to give me the biggest, sloppiest, puppy kiss ever right after said poop eating. So thank you for sharing the love and the E. Coli. I hate you.

Love,

Tootsie Woo