Tag Archives: bathroom

Not for the faint of fart

13 Nov

I just heard tell of an interview HRS, His Royal Sexiness, George Clooney gave with Rolling Stone (souce: Dlisted.com) where he discussed his love of farts. This, I’m sad to report, is something we have in common.

I’m Austrian. Well, I’m of Austrian dissent, I suppose.

Austrian flag

If this were Dumb and Dumber you would be asking me if I’d like to throw a “shrimp on the barbie” and I’d be calling you a dumb-ass but we are in fact the petite, dark-haired, horse-thieves that live next to those blonde bastards, the Germans. As a people we are notoriously known for a sense of humor that is centered entirely around the butt (arsch) and all it’s amazing gifts to the world. Being an American girl doll makes my natural proclivity for poo-poo jokes a little alarming to some, but I usually wave that flag pretty proudly.

In fact, when I am getting to know someone, one thing that will guarantee a lasting friendship or relationship is when they are comfortable enough to mention poop, farting, or c., all of the above. Now, I KNOW THAT IS WEIRD, but it says a lot about how open someone is when they can jokingly say, “it smells like farts in here,” or “hold on, I’ll be right back, I have to take a shit.” It says they have a certain easy, natural sense of humor and are comfortable in their own skin. Of course, some people can say one of those things to me and I will, for some reason, will find it off-putting (like when a pervy “uncle” hugs you too long at Thanksgiving…) and that is just an indicator that me and “new friend” won’t really mesh well together. Farts are the perfect barometer either way!

I have a guy friend who once said that when he likes a girl he will sit on her lap and fart. On their first date. Though even I was put off a bit when I heard that I started cracking up as he acted it out for me and realized that that is the best plan! It get’s rid of all the tension in the room in one quick moment because you are literally doing the one thing that could possibly ruin the mood. You are staring fear straight in the face and farting at it.

And, also, along with George Clooney, I think farting is the funniest thing in the world. It is one thing that never disappoints, comedy-wise, and until humans evolve to the point where they don’t have butt-holes, they will be a constant presence. So why not embrace them for all their comedic gold and natural help in breaking the ice?

Not saying I ever fart in front of a guy. Fuck no. I’m not an idiot.

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I’ll have it “to go” please…

13 Nov

In the middle of a conversation about the sanctity of the dinner table…

Dad: Yeah, but would you ever take your sandwich into the bathroom with you?!

Tootsie: …what type of sandwich?

Bathroom Conundrum

8 Nov

Whenever I am in girls’ bathroom (which naturally I should use…because I’m a girl…) I am always surprised to see an unflushed toilet without any toilet paper in it.

 My first thought is that the unlucky person before me discovered there was no toilet paper once it was to late and had to finish her bathroom duties sans TP. But then I check and discover there is plenty of paper!

So who is this phantom peepee-er and how do they get by without partaking in every womans right to care for her cha cha with “insert name of preferred brand here?” Is she hermaphroditic? With certain spare -ahem- parts that excuse the need for toilet paper? Is she overly concerned with the environment? So much so that any use of paper is abhorent to her? Was it just a dude who got confused? Or a dude who gets off peeing in a girls room because of the cleanliness and the private stalls and proximity to ladies? Or is it some weird chick who just doesn’t use paper, just because, just because of said weirdness.

I will never know. I will continue to use bathrooms as I always have (because that doctor refuses to give me a catheter so I don’t have to pee during movies…) and will undoubtedly run into the phantom urinater again, and will be left to wonder: why?