Quotation of the Night

“Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.” -Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

I’ll have it “to go” please…

In the middle of a conversation about the sanctity of the dinner table…

Dad: Yeah, but would you ever take your sandwich into the bathroom with you?!

…

Tootsie: …what type of sandwich?

Quotation of the Night

“The scientific theory I like best is that rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.”-Mark Russell

Life is…

Some mornings I lift my head off of my fluffy pillow, wipe the sleep from my eyes, look out at the beautiful sunrise in the gloriously clear and vast sky and think…

EVERYTHING IS SHIT.

This is not a post for optimists.

Normally, I’m not sure which religion I ascribe  to…optimism, pessimism, cynicism, realism, alcoholism…But I would have to say that on the whole I am a decent mixture of all of them. If I was a cocktail I would be 2 parts optimism, 1 part pessimism, 1 part cynicism, 2 parts realism, and alcoholism…? Well, I think the fact that my metaphor is based on a cocktail speaks volumes. But once in a while all my negative thinking rallies together, starts a revolution in my brain and starts effing with the hardware up there…

I’m out of toothpaste this morning? Well, F@#$% you Crest! And your mother!!

The barista at Starbucks gave me Skim instead of 2%? Is she trying to say something?!

I ripped my tights on an exposed screw? Who put this f%^&*ing screw here?? Was it you, Joe?? What about you, Betty!? I see you giving me the stank eye!

I ran out of gas halfway to work and I’m already running late? Who didn’t fill up my f@#%ing car?? Well, who drove it last?!? Oh…me. Well, f@#%^ me!

I feel slighted by some ass-faced goon I shouldn’t be wasting my time with anyway because he’s rude/5’2”/6’11/unfeeling/married/smelly/pervy/douche-y/grumpy/doopey? What the f@#$%, Woo?! Why are you perpetually attracted to b-holes!?

And when I’m in a mood like this there is very little I can do. All the usual forms of therapy utilized by 20-somethings fall short of solving the problem.

Drinking: I get angrier and start a fight with some 11 year old on the street who looks at me funny until I realize they just have a lazy eye.

Eating: I eat way too much and literally don’t stop because then I will have to confront said eating and then I hate myself for the hours of gym damage control I’m going to have to go through. To deal with that I fight with the same 11 year old.

Hook-ups: I am too cynical and moody to believe that anyone would actually want to be around me so I get aggressive and pick a fight mid flirt. There’s a lot of fighting going on…

Actual Therapy: Well, maybe this one would work…

All I really can do on days like this is lean into it. Because what else is there? I put on my Scooby doo pajamas from the seventh grade, drink wine straight from the bottle, and cry over diary entries I wrote Freshman year of high school where I’m just discovering the word FUCK and use it with unearned aplomb. Thought it is a word I’m obviously quick familiar with now.

It is all about just admitting the fact that for the day I am this:

 

 

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Quotation of the Night

“I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.” -Babe Ruth

Quotation of the Night

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.” -Joan Rivers

Bathroom Conundrum

Whenever I am in girls’ bathroom (which naturally I should use…because I’m a girl…) I am always surprised to see an unflushed toilet without any toilet paper in it.

 My first thought is that the unlucky person before me discovered there was no toilet paper once it was to late and had to finish her bathroom duties sans TP. But then I check and discover there is plenty of paper!

So who is this phantom peepee-er and how do they get by without partaking in every womans right to care for her cha cha with “insert name of preferred brand here?” Is she hermaphroditic? With certain spare -ahem- parts that excuse the need for toilet paper? Is she overly concerned with the environment? So much so that any use of paper is abhorent to her? Was it just a dude who got confused? Or a dude who gets off peeing in a girls room because of the cleanliness and the private stalls and proximity to ladies? Or is it some weird chick who just doesn’t use paper, just because, just because of said weirdness.

I will never know. I will continue to use bathrooms as I always have (because that doctor refuses to give me a catheter so I don’t have to pee during movies…) and will undoubtedly run into the phantom urinater again, and will be left to wonder: why?

Quotation of the Night

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” -Will Rogers

Parental Dictionary: Muffin Tops

Tootsie: Mom, these pants shrunk in the wash, do they give me a muffin top?

Mom: What’s a muffin top?

Tootsie: A muffin top. You don’t know what a muffin top is?

Mom: Oh, like a mushroom top.

Tootsie: No, that’s not a thing-

Mom: Yeah, your muffin is showing.

Quotation of the Day

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” -Albert Einststein