Tag Archives: introduction

About: Bank

9 Oct

I work at a bank.

I would like to say it’s my day job but it is just my job job.

However, this ain’t your grandma’s bank. I don’t mean to overdo it with the metaphors but it is the OZ of banks. It is Wonderland and I am Alice. It is the black sheep of all banks, the Charlie Sheen of the family, if you will, and it’s story needs to be told!

The problem is, how do I go about telling the story of this unique, beautiful, disgusting, herpes-ridden bank without giving away too much and getting myself fired? I suppose it is just a risk I’m willing to take. But to be safe, from now on I will refer to where I work as a shmank and I will refer to my position as shmank shmeller.That should do it.

My shmank is in the worst neighborhood I have ever been in. EVER. And I’ve driven through the wide, child-bearing hips of Texas a few times, east to west and west to east, so that is saying a lot. I don’t like Texas…

I often pass crime scene markings on my way to work and one time passed a couple of grazing chickens that appeared to have escaped from the fried chicken place down the street.

Also, in the course of 5 years my shmank has been shmobbed 3 times which is pretty revealing.

Inside the shmank is one unarmed security guard who is my height (an unimpressive 5’4″ instead of the 6’10” I might have advertised earlier) and who is 20 years old and as doofy as they come. Don’t know what doofy means? Perhaps it’s because it isn’t a real word, but it is as it sounds…d-o-o-f-y. Doofy is as doofy does. It is derived from the Latin word “doofus maximus.” I also am protected by a wall of “bullet resistant” PLASTIC that covers everything except a huge rectangle whole that exposes my entire face and torso. Nice.

What is also worth mentioning is that I work with an extremely diverse group of people, a veritable sitcom waiting to happen. Not a sitcom like Friends which is as diverse as a NASCAR picnic, I’m talking…ok, well a truly diverse sitcom doesn’t come to mind so use your imagination. I don’t want to get into everyone’s specific nationality so suffice it to say we are all from very different places and it is glorious. Perhaps when we get more comfortable with each other (and when I have left my job job for good) I will let you know a little more about everyone, but right now it is simply to risky so deal. Ok, I said DEAL. CALM DOWN. WHOA, attitude.

My shmank’s diversity is what makes it so amazing and because of that I need to warn you that I won’t be shy when it comes to the retelling of a story, even if it might seem a little dicey. I am merely acting as a scribe for the days events. My costumers are certainly blunt when it comes to the taboo issue of race which is surprisingly refreshing in today’s overly PC-ed society, so I refuse to miss out on the comedic gold their honesty provides me with. There is just so much natural, human, humor that comes out when people from literally all around the world are thrown into my tiny neighborhood and are dealing with the stressful act of withdrawing money when they occasionally confuse the words “sixty” and “sixteen.” Or “six-hundred,” ouch.

I love all my customers (except this one crazy biddy who called me a bitch once) so this is, above all else, a twisted declaration of love to all who enter El Banco Del Diablo.

You’ve been warned.


Enough about you

9 Oct

This is the perfect time to start a blog. I am at the perfect intersection of my life, where the two roads of Boredom and Doing-Nothing-With-My-Life have met and I feel it is now time to begin something new, something fresh, something more worthwhile than watching the entire season of 30 Rock for the (literal) 6th time and talking to my dogs in baby voices for hours on end.

Also, Saturday Night Live just started so I’m feeling inspired!

As this is our first date, Audience of No One, I feel like it the perfect time to talk siblings, summer camps, and past dirty dreams involving authority figures. It is also the perfect time to explain my intentions with you…are we talking long-term relationship? Taking things slows? Or is this just a one night, wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am dealie?

And just like your typical date, I am going to be charming, manipulative, misleading, and vague and tell you exactly what you want to hear so I can get what I want out of this relationship:)

I’m 6’10”, 635 lbs, and am like a centaur except I have the top of a capuchin monkey and the bottom of J.Lo (picture it). I also speak elfish (conversationally) and have hair made entirely out of snakes.

Now, if you believed even half of that than you’re just the type of reader I’m looking for. Happy reading and I will talk to you soon!