Letter to My Dog

Dear Roxy,

I would be remiss if I didn’t thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for peeing on my bed the other night. I realize that you might have confused my comfortable, warm place of rest for the grass you normally relieve yourself on so it must have been embarrassing for you. I know I was embarrassed when I peed in a fake toilet at that children’s “Please Touch Museum.” Let me also put out there that I’m a LITTLE peeved about the whole thing. Little, like your bladder. I graciously invited you into my room, allowed you to play on my bed, put on Animal Planet so you could look at the cute boys dogs, and how do you repay me? You let a little pee come out. Not a lot but just ENOUGH that I’m not sure what the mysterious liquid is and have to get real close to it to double check. I understand it wasn’t your intention to tinkle on my lovely sheets but you got a little too excited and then after acted like it wasn’t no thang but a chicken wang on a strang! And, I mean, we’ve all been there but I don’t urinate where you sleep! So thank you, THANK YOU, for using the bed as your personal urinal. I’ll be sure to return the favor someday. Because I’m mature like that.

Love,

Tootsie

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Bathroom Conundrum

Whenever I am in girls’ bathroom (which naturally I should use…because I’m a girl…) I am always surprised to see an unflushed toilet without any toilet paper in it.

 My first thought is that the unlucky person before me discovered there was no toilet paper once it was to late and had to finish her bathroom duties sans TP. But then I check and discover there is plenty of paper!

So who is this phantom peepee-er and how do they get by without partaking in every womans right to care for her cha cha with “insert name of preferred brand here?” Is she hermaphroditic? With certain spare -ahem- parts that excuse the need for toilet paper? Is she overly concerned with the environment? So much so that any use of paper is abhorent to her? Was it just a dude who got confused? Or a dude who gets off peeing in a girls room because of the cleanliness and the private stalls and proximity to ladies? Or is it some weird chick who just doesn’t use paper, just because, just because of said weirdness.

I will never know. I will continue to use bathrooms as I always have (because that doctor refuses to give me a catheter so I don’t have to pee during movies…) and will undoubtedly run into the phantom urinater again, and will be left to wonder: why?