We are Animals

Science is a magical thing.

Well, I suppose the whole point of magic is that it goes beyond the laws of science, but still it is pretty magical in a non-Harry Potter way.

I have been having small realizations lately about the fact that humans are just animals.

This seems like a very common fact, something most people have come to terms with, but I am still blown over by this from time to time. It is usually in terms of violence and war when people examine our resemblance to the other creatures roaming the earth, to the very pets we keep in crates and put on leashes, but it is in the mating habits of humans that I have noticed these similarities and it really takes a lot of the mystery away. It is by examining these basic, animalistic traits that I am learning how ultimately simplistic men and woman are in the dating world.

The other day I was sitting at a Random Coffee Shop drinking my iced latte, reading a copy of Glamour like a G when I saw an extremely attractive male Homo sapien walk by. He had wavy, dark hair, beautiful, dark, intense eyes and was of an average height and build. But outside of those very basic features, features that could describe a huge percentage of the population, and a large percentage of the cartoon population, there was just something about him I couldn’t explain that drew me to him. And I heard this little voice in my head say,

“I want to make a baby with him.”

EXCUSE YOU, Brain? You want to what?! You hardly know the man, nay, you don’t know the man, so pull your hypothetical pants on (like the red cigarette jeans on page 54 of your magazine) and zip up. Also wipe up the hypothetical drool, Liver is smirking.

And just as I began to interrogate myself, my brain went mute and didn’t repeat the thought, though it had definitely been there. My attraction to him was just on a “I want to pass down your genes* to my children because they rock” basis but that is really at the root of every serious attraction.

*(and I am not referring to the red cigarette jeans…pg. 54…Christmas is nigh…)

We delude ourselves (excuse me for my use of the universal “we” if this is not “you,” if you are of an evolved breed of human who makes all the right decisions in relationships…eff you) by adding all of this fluff to our relationships but it really comes down to very simple ideals. It’s about survival, it’s about reproduction, it’s about pheromones, and not much else.

As a member of the female sex (as my driver’s license tells me) I have forced many a friend to sit by my side and agonize over why someone didn’t call, what the intonation of his “hey” meant, why he gave me a “double hug,” and I have been party to hundreds of conversations like that and they have gone on for hours!

Typical scenario #1…

“Why didn’t he call me back? We had a great time! He told me I was a lot of fun and that we should do it again, but he never called! He put his arm around me during the movie and gave me a kiss on the cheek!”

Girl answer: I don’t know sweetie! Maybe he’s just been really busy lately and didn’t have time to call, I’m sure he’ll get to it. it sounds like you have something really special there!

“Science” answer: You didn’t put out.

Typical scenario #2…

“Why did he break up with me!? We’ve been together for a year and he just breaks up with me out of nowhere!? We just got back from a very romantic trip to the beach and had such a great time! He’s always said how he wanted to settle down!”

Girl answer: He’ll come to his senses! He doesn’t know how big a mistake he’s making, walking out on you! He’s just not ready to commit and that is HIS problem, not yours!

“Science” answer: He doesn’t want his kids to need laser hair removal. Also, you probably didn’t put out enough…

Typical scenario #3…

“Why does he want to hang out? I always thought of him as a friend but he texted me and says we should watch a movie at his place tonight. He says that he wants to talk about something. What do you think it is?”

Girl answer: OH my god! I knew he was into you! Maybe he wants to start seeing you! He’s been so flirty lately!

“Science” answer: He probably wants to talk about how he hopes you’ll put out.

Of course, I don’t want to belittle actual romance and a shared bond between two people, but most relationships/one-night stands begin this way. I feel men are very in touch with that blunt, animal-like side of themselves and can very easily break down what they want in a given moment. Women, however, just pile on a bunch of glitter and cupcakes to glorify and complicate a very basic human need and desire. I’m jealous of men for their often frank evaluations of their needs and feelings in a given moment. And also, nothing is this cut and dry, either. I have guy friends who obsess over every moment they spend with a date and I have girl friends who do not give a rat’s ass how long that hug was or how many exclamation marks he used when saying, “can’t wait to see you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 32…

All I’m saying is we all (all us we’s who do have the tendency to dwell) sleep a little easier if we just broke it down to the science of what is going on. All that matters is      are you into him/her? Do you enjoy their company all around or do you want to just do the nasty? And, adversely, those things need to match up with how that person answers those questions. It’s really as simple as that. The actual chemical reaction going on in your body will take care of the rest.

Though we all know it’s not, it won’t, and a perfect scenario can still turn into poo. But C’est la vie!

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I Don’t

I have always considered myself a stereotypical gal when it came to marriage. I have dreamed of “the big day” ever since I was in the womb, have paraded around in bride costumes months away from October 31, and have been part of many make-believe marriage ceremonies with cousins and childhood friends where I have played husband, wife, and both. And now, with 22 years of living under my belt I still go weak when I imagine my life-changing runway-walk down the aisle towards some mystery man who will undoubtedly make my life complete, be the cherry on my sundae, give my life new meaning, be the apple of my eye, the Sonny to my Cher–ENOUGH.

But while, conceptually, I know that this is what I want out of life, to find some sort of un-business-related happily ever after, I do anything and everything in my power to avoid it. What makes my typical walking-down-the-aisle fantasy so great is that I am indeed walking towards a “mystery man,” not forcing myself to commit to one imaginary groom. I’m young, I get it, and I don’t need to be so concerned with tying the not…However, I still can’t help but think I react a little differently to the big “I do” than most of  my friends. Is something wrong with me?

My first real boyfriend, Denver Steel**, was a big relationships guy. He was also the only real relationship I’ve had thus far, but that’s besides the point…or maybe it is the point, I DON’T KNOW. Of course he didn’t mind flings and could have meaningless sex with random penis receptacles named Bambi and Cinnamon as much as the next Joe, but he was still a relationships guy. Being committed to someone gave him a profound purpose in life and gave him a reason to wake up every morning.

After we had been together for a few months we had shared “I love yous”  and were so attached that we decided to continue dating even though I was going back to college, making the space between us thousands of miles.

We also were dealing with an age difference of about 4 years. I don’t think that that is an extreme age gap by any means but it did matter when I was 19 and he was 23, with a serious, post-high school relationship already under his belt. After we had been together for about 6 months he started coyly mentioning marriage, saying how he could see himself marrying me, that I was different from any girl he had ever met before…

I suppose that is what most girls like to hear. This is not true about everyone (and it certainly isn’t true for my most cynical gal pals) but if someone’s first love, who they were quite devoted to, mentioned marriage even just randomly in passing they would cling onto it like a Twilight fan would cling onto Robert Pattinson’s stolen boxers.

It is a good thing Denver wasn’t facing me during that first marriage talk because instead of loving smile he would have seen sheer terror on my face and possibly a little drooling as a voice in my head kept shouting, “I’m 19, I can’t get married! This is insanity!”

When we had first broken up (oops, spoiler alert) I doubted if I had ever loved him, being so war-torn from the battles that had preceded and succeeded our actual separation from each other. That would have made the fear I felt when we discussed getting married a little more understandable. But now I know, two years after the actual break-up, and a year after subsequent make-up attempts (…), that I did love him. Truly and fully. He was in fact my first love, and I am so thankful to have had him fill that slot in my life.

So why didn’t I want to marry him? Even the day we broke up, I’ll never forget it, he turned to me as he was walking to the door of my apartment and said, “I could’ve married you.” Why did that never strike me as a good idea? Was there something about him that I knew just couldn’t work forever? “Til death?” Did I get too full of myself and think I deserved better even though I thought I was so incredibly lucky to have him in my life? Or is the idea of settling, of saying “you are it, no one will ever equal you” something that I generally don’t buy into? Was it him or was it me?

Well of course I can’t answer that! So I can merely present that story and reflect on it as I continue my man-eating habits, never truly opening up to someone and walking away before I can actually care about them, and hope that something will click someday and someday soon. I know it will, even though it pains me to say it (or write it), I just need to be patient. Patient with myself more than anything as I get over Denver, someone who I realize now I never should have let walk out of my life, and patient as I learn to be open and available for the next guy and to not let my fear of “forever” get in the way of appreciating now.

I will one day share this song with my mystery man

**Obvious phoney name