Since I moved I have not done a good job grocery shopping. The only thing you can buy in my neighborhood is beer, a Subway sandwich, and what’s the third thing…the third thing…oh yea, crack. So that means I have to get my groceries in a different neighborhood (though my normal 2 hour trek to find crack is a thing of the past) meaning that I would only be able to get a few things at a time because I have the upper body strength of a premature kitten.
I am saying all this to set the scene…DUN DUN DUN.
This morning I was lounging in my bed after waking up at the early hour of…noon. The ass-crack of dawn. I was lying there luxuriously in a robe watching a stand-up comedy DVD and needed something for breakfast. I look in my empty cabinets only to find carrots and hummus, bouillon cubes, and half a bottle of wine. I was about to suck on a bouillon cube when I noticed half a bag of popcorn that I had drunkenly purchased the night before so I delightedly brought it in my room, because nothing screams breakfast like popcorn! I was absentmindedly reaching into the bag because Louis C.K. was being particularly funny and ginger at that moment and I put what I thought was popcorn in my mouth…it was not. I cannot describe in words the fear I felt at that moment as I tasted the most disgusting thing I’ve ever consumed. And I’ve eaten sushi in Arizona. I started to gag and spit, to get whatever it was out of my mouth. I then started stuffing tissues in my mouth to suck up the grossness. Whatever it was was black as night, grainy looking, like a regurgitated oreo and it tasted like a flower that had been dipped in poison and set on fire. Also, it was not going away!! Every time I spit out the black, crap-like substance it seemed to double and come back with a vengeance. I coughed and hacked in vain, but the mystery food would not go away!
So how did this scene end? With me in the bathroom, robe completely open, crying like a bitch, sticking my pink toothbrush down my throat and forcing myself to throw up.
I was quite a mess to behold. I call that stance the Lindsay Lohan, as I’m sure she finds herself in that very position before many a drug test.
So, in conclusion, I still don’t know what I ate, I suppose it could’ve been a very VERY burnt kernel, but there is no way I got off that easy. So either I swallowed rat shit, a cockroach and will start violently vomiting any minute now, or I consumed a magic herb and will have super powers by morning.
Adventures of TootsieWoo 