Tag Archives: breakfast

Breakfast of Champions

27 Feb

Since I moved I have not done a good job grocery shopping. The only thing you can buy in my neighborhood is beer, a Subway sandwich, and what’s the third thing…the third thing…oh yea, crack. So that means I have to get my groceries in a different neighborhood (though my normal 2 hour trek to find crack is a thing of the past) meaning that I would only be able to get a few things at a time because I have the upper body strength of a premature kitten.

I am saying all this to set the scene…DUN DUN DUN.

This morning I was lounging in my bed after waking up at the early hour of…noon. The ass-crack of dawn. I was lying there luxuriously in a robe watching a stand-up comedy DVD and needed something for breakfast. I look in my empty cabinets only to find carrots and hummus, bouillon cubes, and half a bottle of wine. I was about to suck on a bouillon cube when I noticed half a bag of popcorn that I had drunkenly purchased the night before so I delightedly brought it in my room, because nothing screams breakfast like popcorn! I was absentmindedly reaching into the bag because Louis C.K. was being particularly funny and ginger at that moment and I put what I thought was popcorn in my mouth…it was not. I cannot describe in words the fear I felt at that moment as I tasted the most disgusting thing I’ve ever consumed. And I’ve eaten sushi in Arizona. I started to gag and spit, to get whatever it was out of my mouth. I then started stuffing tissues in my mouth to suck up the grossness. Whatever it was was black as night, grainy looking, like a regurgitated oreo and it tasted like a flower that had been dipped in poison and set on fire. Also, it was not going away!! Every time I spit out the black, crap-like substance it seemed to double and come back with a vengeance. I coughed and hacked in vain, but the mystery food would not go away!

So how did this scene end? With me in the bathroom, robe completely open, crying like a bitch, sticking my pink toothbrush down my throat and forcing myself to throw up.

I was quite a mess to behold. I call that stance the Lindsay Lohan, as I’m sure she finds herself in that very position before many a drug test.

So, in conclusion, I still don’t know what I ate, I suppose it could’ve been a very VERY burnt kernel, but there is no way I got off that easy. So either I swallowed rat shit, a cockroach and will start violently vomiting any minute now, or I consumed a magic herb and will have super powers by morning.


I solemnly swear…

17 Nov

…I will not have candy for breakfast. Like I did today. And yesterday…

Welcome to my life sans job or school.

I recently left my job because I am moving and need to be in two cities at the same time (thank god for teleportation, am I right?). I thought that leaving said job a few weeks before said move(cut to “About Bank,” I repeat, I don’t know how to link things, someone please tell me!) would free me literally and figuratively giving me all the time in the world to research new jobs in new city and allow me to really get on top of the “finding an apartment” thing. Well…it has given me a lot of extra time, I can’t deny that…but what have I been doing with the butt-load of free time…?

1. Waking up late:

I wake up everyday now around 11. EVERYDAY! This not only means I have wasted an entire morning but it stunts my entire day and makes it impossible to ever really wake up. Also I’ve been having really weird dreams due to the many hours I spend asleep…I don’t really want to go into them (of course I do, stay tuned for a new post!).

2. Eating candy for breakfast:

I know this doesn’t really take up my time but it is a frustrating habit that I cannot shake! Shake, milk-shake, mmmm–ENOUGH! I feel like my job-less state (though self-inflicted) has led to me behaving like an actual bum because I already feel like I’m a waste of space. Also, returning to the “walking up at 11” phenomenon, I wake up starving because I have last eaten 16 hrs prior and before my toast pops out of the toaster I look in front of me and there are hershey kiss wrappers (what if there were rappers?) everywhere! It’s a crime scene! There’s foil EVERYWHERE!! And I don’t even notice it happening…

3. Going to the gym:

I feel so shitty about my candy indiscretion I spend the next 2 hours at the gym! I time it so I can watch Rachel Ray be annoying for an hour and Dr. Phil be pretentious and moustachioed for another hour while I  mindlessly burn off Milton Hershey’s mess. Don’t get me wrong, I love the gym! I’ve finally gotten to the point where it is enjoyable to me. But I’m pretty sure I could free up my day if I just cut out the candy-eating and damage-control gym trip everyday.

4. Bull-shit television:

At some point everyday I make the poor the decision to watch just ONE episode of some show or another. This leads to a hulu marathon where my bed becomes a me-shaped fossil and I don’t get up for anything!! And I have really lowered my standards on what type of TV I allow myself to get sucked into which is NOT ok. The only place I draw the line? I refuse to watch The Real Housewives of ANYTHING! Watching plucked and tucked 40-somethings chafe on an in-house stripper pole reminds me too much of my childhood…

So this is the point where I try to motivate myself…right? RIGHT!! Ok so:

NO more candy for breakfast!

NO more all day hulu marathons!!

START apartment hunting!!

NO more waking up at 11 EVERYDAY (maybe every other day is ok for now…I’m not a superhero)

START making it a habit to get out of the house for something other than a gym, ANYTHING to inspire you to action!!