Tag Archives: drinking

The Hangover: Part Embarrassing

25 Feb

I have ended too many nights recently like this:

I have recently moved from the rural-ish town I was living in back to the glorious city I love and I was making up for lost time. I saved up all my drunk chips (you can purchase yours at drunkendisaster.com) and have officially cashed them in. It’s not that I think there is something wrong with going out for a night on the town and experiencing the many delights of the city, it’s just that there is a limit to what a person can take. And by person I mean a sleepy, petite, poor girl of questionable drinking stamina who does not know how to say no when there is a drink offered to her. The other night I experienced a new first when the lights where thrown on at the bar I was at and they announced they were closed. Looking down at my watch I saw it was 4 am, how did that happen?! But I mean, who cares it was a Wednesday after-all…Wednesday, wow, it was a Wednesday…yikes. Yup, I definitely need to set a limit.

It’s just actually really difficult to say no!! Can I get a witness!?

Reasons Why It’s Hard (that’s what she said)

1. I don’t have a job yet, so I have nothing to wake up early for

2. I don’t have a job yet, so I need I distraction

3. I don’t have a job yet, so it’s time to live it up before I am held back by said job

4. I don’t have a job yet, so I need to drink to feel better about not having a job

I’m looking for some pattern, something linking all of those things together but, call me obtuse, I’m not seeing one.

Ok, fine! I need a job, I need to make that my priority and then I will be going out a “healthy” amount of times, if “healthy” can be used to describe having a drinking contest with a 300 lb tourist on a dare. That was off the record.

So conclusion: job equals balance and money and purpose.

( Y )  …my sign-off that I totally haven’t used


Saturday Night Liquor

20 Nov

Last night I topped off a bottle of wine and watched the newest episode of Saturday Night Live. Do I have to mention again how much I love this show!? Hopefully not, because I’m getting a semi just thinking about it (my brother taught me that word and I’m pretty sure I’m misusing it). I  LOVE SNL. Also, something was perfect about the wine and comedy combination. On the drunk scale I was somewhere between feeling myself up and saying everything with a Jamaican accent (refer to drunk scale at bottom) which made my comedy receptors super sharp…or my standards super low… Anyway, I haven’t enjoyed an episode that much in a while and it didn’t hurt that Jason Segel (my lover) was hosting and being wonderful and tall and awkward and musical as always. Of course, by the end I was inching towards cartwheels (refer to chart) and was not understanding what was going on…there was a sketch with girls in neon over-alls and I was BEYOND lost…but all and all it was a fantabulous show full of laugh-making and snort inducing jokes.

If I can do anything with this rambling, odd post (which I obviously wrote while watching SNL intoxicated…duh) it is inspire you to watch SNL, a show that is certainly returning to greatness with new top dogs like Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, and Kristen Wiig. And much like a nerd who hired a prostitute to take him to prom, maybe you will watch SNL and think its cool simply because I am on it’s arm at the prom…where am I going with this. Wait? Did I make myself the prostitute of that scenario? Ok, watch SNL, you jags!

Favorite quote of the night: “I’m dying! I’m dying and I never made sex to a girl!”

Drunk Scale:

The giggles

All your friends look more attractive (even Hump-back Harry)

YOU look more attractive, that purple lipstick WAS a good idea (no it wasn’t)

You only talk in Anchorman quotes

Feeling yourself up (boobs are weird!)

You only speak with a Jamaican accent (you’re offensive)

Let’s get nachos!!

You give really intrusive hugs and start jokingly unhooking bras

Drawing a mustache on your face with permanent marker

Aaaaannnddd you’re doing cart-wheels

Aaaaandddd you’re throwing up on Hump-back Harry while on the way to second base