Tag Archives: growing up

I was a day camp bully

23 Nov

Hi, my name is Tootsie Woo and I was a day camp bully.

In my childhood I had three distinct identities. I’m told that those with multiple personality disorder aren’t aware of it so I think therefore I’m safe… Each identity was based off of the environment I was in and each was a different side of me that needed help expressing itself…

1. Tootsie the Meek: There was the me of elementary school who was entirely timid and self-conscious and who would base all of her decisions off of her current best friend. I hated my time at school because I felt awkward and invisible at the same time. I was the stereotypical loser (a trait I now proudly anouce) with a nickname to boot. Want to hear it? Of course you do, asshole,  it was Cuppy. Why, you ask? The legend went that I had gotten my first cup bra and had told someone about it, an evil ex-friend. At that age I sported the Limited Too training bra so that accusation was ridiculous but now I look onto those flat-chested wangs that called me Cuppy and only feel pity when they pump my gas for me and drool over my glorious ta-tas.

2. Tootsie the Rebel: Then there was the Tootsie of religious school. I don’t want to make this about religion so lets just say that I prayed at the Church of Peanut Butter (which is the only religion I ascribe to these days) and I had to take classes there where I read from our holy book of P and B twice a week since I was 5. There I was… AWESOME, as is our lord, Peanut Butter. All my friends were there and, seeing as we went to different elementary schools, we were always excited to meet up for these unintentional hang-out sessions. My friends and I would sneak away to the bathroom during class to do hood rat stuff…or to do each others hair while eating soft pretzels we stole from the high priest of Peanuts. It was such a departure from my life at school and made me feel like such a ten year old bad-ass. I even had two taller friends that I would make walk on each side of me like body guards.

3. Tootsie the Bully: And finally, there was day camp where I was Miss Woo and ran the whole damn show. I was: a day camp bully. I am equal parts proud and horrified when I think of my behavior at camp. I went there from ages 4 to 12 so I knew my camp-mates more than any of the jags I went to school with. There was Trish, who was obsessed with bugs (now she would probably be diagnosed with a learning disability…but she was just quirky then), 4 girls named Rachel, and a random British girl who would be shipped off to rural Pennsylvania every summer as per her divorced parents agreement (divorce was weird and unknown then). Then there was this one girl at camp that I never got along with. Of course, there’s always that girl. She was a whiny little bitch who’s dad worked at the camp so she would always get preferential treatment and camp Woo would not stand for it. I invented a game to show my dislike for this girl. It was called Hair and it was like tag but you played it in the pool and if Hair tagged you you would join her until everyone was Hair. Hair, naturally, represented this girl and I was very open about that fact. And though Hair was the pinnacle of awfulness and bitchery on my part, my most memorable moment was when another mean girl in my bunk slapped me across the face (it was an obvious power play) and I grabbed the broom off the wall and chased her around camp with it for a half an hour. Those were the days.

Luckily my three identities eventually merged and balanced out a bit. I tend to give people the impression of meekness because I know my capacity for meanness when I feel threatened and I don’t like people to know that about me. But when the game is on you better “hide your kids, hide your wife” and pray there isn’t a broom in reach because I know how to use it.


Vintage Woo

1 Nov

I recently uncovered the perfect little snapshot of the 16 year old me. It was a list I made of rules to live by and it is reeking of angst, bubble-gum, and Lady Secret Deodorant (my deodorant of choice at that time, it smelled like fruit, who wants mango-scented armpits?).

Below is the life rules I created. I got the idea from the book Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination by Helen Fielding, the godsend that brought the world Bridget Jone’s, my literary twin (I know every girl says that they ARE Bridget Jones but they can just suck it).


Please enjoy this refreshing glimpse into the brain of a teenage girl as I share with you my private (well, it was private) guide to life…

And please watch:

and eat:

to get into my 16 year old mindset.

The following is exactly what I wrote six years ago, the only editing is my name and the deletion of a few poorly placed commas. Also, though I’m horrible at properly citing things (damn you MLS rule-book!), numbers 5 and 10 are taken directly from Olivia Joules.

[Tootsie Woo’s] Rules for Life, According to Olivia Joules Rules for Life

1. You are the only person that you can ever really rely on.

2. Like yourself before you like anyone else.

3. Always look on the bright side of life.

4. When the latter seems difficult, listen to Olivia Joules, and think “Fuck it” it could be worse.

5. “Nothing is ever as good or bad as it seems.”

6. If all else fails be charming, you should always be charming, it doesn’t hurt.

7. Who cares what anyone else thinks, “screw them,” your opinion is the only one that should matter.

8. Listen to your gut.

10. “No one is thinking about you, they are thinking about themselves, just like you are.”

11. Always keep your cool, going berserk can never possibly help the situation.

12. Independence is wonderful and should always be embraced and never taken advantage of.

13. Be yourself and you will be the person you want to be.

14. Grab shyness by the balls and tell it, “hey bitch, you’re not welcome,” then kick it a bit and say, “you best walk away ho.”

15. Shyness is the most unnecessary pain in the ass and should be gotten rid of as soon as possible.

16. Never get too upset over stupid things. It will be apparent if it is stupid when it comes up. Shake it off, there are more important things to get upset to worry about. [???I don’t know…???]

17. Don’t ever let anyone else make you feel bad, follow #7.

18. Be fearless.

19. Don’t ever be afraid to get what you need.

20. Get mad.

21. Love endlessly.

There is something oddly inspiring about an inexperienced teenager confidently writing the out her own rules for living her life with the calm resolution of an old, toothless sage, if I do say so myself. If she can be so in charge of her life than why do I feel so at a loss sometimes? I suppose we can all look to our younger, carefree selves as a guide in a time of need…we are all our own built in gurus.

“Love endlessly.” I suppose that is something I will always stand behind.