I’m a Dancer

Sitting in Tootsie Woo’ s apartment. 

Friend of Tootsie: What’s that marking on the wall? Did you touch it with dirty hands?

Tootsie: No. That’s a footprint. I was trying to twerk.

 

NYC Living 101

Friend: Why do you keep your Nutella in the fridge?

Tootsie Woo: It’s the only place the bugs can’t get to it…

My New Do

I was having a dream that I was getting my hair done at a luxurious salon. The stylist was running their hands through my hair and beginning to braid it.

I woke up, only to the sensation that someone was still braiding my hair and thought maybe my husband was being cute and trying to gently wake my up. I turn around to see my kitten spooning me (yes, he was the big spoon) and eating my hair. He was being surprisingly gentle about it.

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Life and Times of a Cat Lady

I am a cat lady. Even before I had any cats I was a cat lady.

I would like to say that this was something I had to “come to terms with,” or rather I should say that. The term “cat lady” is usually used in a disparaging manner. However, this is a label I have gladly welcomed, invited even.

You see, I recently invited a new cat into my home. My second. And by “invited” I mean I was having an innocent day, walking around with a cousin who was visiting me when I was blindsided by an adoption event. By blindsided, I mean that I actively searched for a very well advertised adoption event which I obviously found using a very basic understanding of Google Maps. And while I initially had no intention of taking a cat home with me…of course I did.

I had only recently discovered the joys of cat-motherhood. My entire life I had dreamed of bringing a little, gangly, pink-nosed kitten home, but was never able to. My dad had severe allergies, so growing up, cat’s were entirely out of the question. I spent my toddler-hood, with an a cat tail strapped to me (a Halloween remnant) and would drag around a stuffed animal that I was sure was my kitten. As in, I birthed it. That molded into a more socially acceptable activity in my teen years: roaming the web for funny cat videos. Throughout college, despite my efforts to sneak one into my dorm, I continued on, sad and 100% cat-less. Even after college, when I thought I would surely assert my independence by adopting, I traveled on, sans cat. It wasn’t until my 3rd year out of college when I decided to make a change. I brought home Olive, a gorgeous little Maine Coon from the country, and I knew I had met my destiny. I was and have always been, a cat lady.

My little darling.

It was not until that moment that I realized “cat lady” was not a circumstance, but a state of mind. Cat lady was the whole embodiment of cat-itude: a perfect mixture of laziness, coziness, and constant hunger. It lends itself to long nights at home with the TV flickering in front of you for hours as you beg your partner to massage you and bring you bon bons. We surround ourselves with cats because they make us feel better about ourselves. They make us feel totally justified in our behavior and that we are not alone.

I still have friends ask me, “don’t you feel tied down? You have to go home to feed them and can’t go away for weekends without getting a cat sitter.” First of all, they’re effing cats. COOL IT. And…you want the truth? This is everything I want out of life. Ok, well, my home life. A purring, cooing little fluff ball I can spoon while watching reality TV. I have found my bliss.

As I brought my new little orange bundle of joy home after that adoption event, I relished in imagining the new level of lounging I would reach. After days of debating, my husband and I christened him Turd Ferguson. We’ve never been happier or lazier.

My little booger face.

 

Trash Talking

Sometimes you’re leaving your office after a long day at work and are wondering whether you really look like the scuzzy dirtball you imagine you do, when you pass a blunt and trashed drag queen that removes all doubt.

“You DIRTY.”

What’s my secret?

Sometimes I actively don’t wash my hands when I know I’ll be meeting with someone who is particularly hateful. I watch as they shake my dirty hand and I laugh. OH how I laugh!

If a genie were to grant me three wishes…

1. To look good in a jumpsuit and not like a pubescent 7 year old.
2. To be able to eat unlimited amounts of Oreos without shame or weight gain.
3. To be able to have silent farts that smell like freshly baked cookies.

Parental Dictionary: Food

Dad: Do you know what my favorite type of food is?

Tootsie shakes her head no.

Dad: A lot.

My Subway Poetray

You should write down every silly thought you think,

For thinked thoughts do trickle down the spine like bloody ink,

And rouse the heart with thoughtful beats and rumbles heard,

And leaps up through the throat as spoken word.

 

I thought of something really funny to post.