We are Animals

Science is a magical thing.

Well, I suppose the whole point of magic is that it goes beyond the laws of science, but still it is pretty magical in a non-Harry Potter way.

I have been having small realizations lately about the fact that humans are just animals.

This seems like a very common fact, something most people have come to terms with, but I am still blown over by this from time to time. It is usually in terms of violence and war when people examine our resemblance to the other creatures roaming the earth, to the very pets we keep in crates and put on leashes, but it is in the mating habits of humans that I have noticed these similarities and it really takes a lot of the mystery away. It is by examining these basic, animalistic traits that I am learning how ultimately simplistic men and woman are in the dating world.

The other day I was sitting at a Random Coffee Shop drinking my iced latte, reading a copy of Glamour like a G when I saw an extremely attractive male Homo sapien walk by. He had wavy, dark hair, beautiful, dark, intense eyes and was of an average height and build. But outside of those very basic features, features that could describe a huge percentage of the population, and a large percentage of the cartoon population, there was just something about him I couldn’t explain that drew me to him. And I heard this little voice in my head say,

“I want to make a baby with him.”

EXCUSE YOU, Brain? You want to what?! You hardly know the man, nay, you don’t know the man, so pull your hypothetical pants on (like the red cigarette jeans on page 54 of your magazine) and zip up. Also wipe up the hypothetical drool, Liver is smirking.

And just as I began to interrogate myself, my brain went mute and didn’t repeat the thought, though it had definitely been there. My attraction to him was just on a “I want to pass down your genes* to my children because they rock” basis but that is really at the root of every serious attraction.

*(and I am not referring to the red cigarette jeans…pg. 54…Christmas is nigh…)

We delude ourselves (excuse me for my use of the universal “we” if this is not “you,” if you are of an evolved breed of human who makes all the right decisions in relationships…eff you) by adding all of this fluff to our relationships but it really comes down to very simple ideals. It’s about survival, it’s about reproduction, it’s about pheromones, and not much else.

As a member of the female sex (as my driver’s license tells me) I have forced many a friend to sit by my side and agonize over why someone didn’t call, what the intonation of his “hey” meant, why he gave me a “double hug,” and I have been party to hundreds of conversations like that and they have gone on for hours!

Typical scenario #1…

“Why didn’t he call me back? We had a great time! He told me I was a lot of fun and that we should do it again, but he never called! He put his arm around me during the movie and gave me a kiss on the cheek!”

Girl answer: I don’t know sweetie! Maybe he’s just been really busy lately and didn’t have time to call, I’m sure he’ll get to it. it sounds like you have something really special there!

“Science” answer: You didn’t put out.

Typical scenario #2…

“Why did he break up with me!? We’ve been together for a year and he just breaks up with me out of nowhere!? We just got back from a very romantic trip to the beach and had such a great time! He’s always said how he wanted to settle down!”

Girl answer: He’ll come to his senses! He doesn’t know how big a mistake he’s making, walking out on you! He’s just not ready to commit and that is HIS problem, not yours!

“Science” answer: He doesn’t want his kids to need laser hair removal. Also, you probably didn’t put out enough…

Typical scenario #3…

“Why does he want to hang out? I always thought of him as a friend but he texted me and says we should watch a movie at his place tonight. He says that he wants to talk about something. What do you think it is?”

Girl answer: OH my god! I knew he was into you! Maybe he wants to start seeing you! He’s been so flirty lately!

“Science” answer: He probably wants to talk about how he hopes you’ll put out.

Of course, I don’t want to belittle actual romance and a shared bond between two people, but most relationships/one-night stands begin this way. I feel men are very in touch with that blunt, animal-like side of themselves and can very easily break down what they want in a given moment. Women, however, just pile on a bunch of glitter and cupcakes to glorify and complicate a very basic human need and desire. I’m jealous of men for their often frank evaluations of their needs and feelings in a given moment. And also, nothing is this cut and dry, either. I have guy friends who obsess over every moment they spend with a date and I have girl friends who do not give a rat’s ass how long that hug was or how many exclamation marks he used when saying, “can’t wait to see you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 32…

All I’m saying is we all (all us we’s who do have the tendency to dwell) sleep a little easier if we just broke it down to the science of what is going on. All that matters is      are you into him/her? Do you enjoy their company all around or do you want to just do the nasty? And, adversely, those things need to match up with how that person answers those questions. It’s really as simple as that. The actual chemical reaction going on in your body will take care of the rest.

Though we all know it’s not, it won’t, and a perfect scenario can still turn into poo. But C’est la vie!

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Love Blasting

Today Hughie H. Angover taught me a trick of seduction he thought I might want to try with someone I care about, let’s call it Love-Blasting. Apparently, when he is cuddling up with his wife at night, ready for sexy-time, he farts into his hand and throws it in her face. He then showed me his finely crafted technique, ad nauseum, so I could pick up on the subtle details, a tight grasp, a flick of the wrist, a nose-less companion etc, etc.  And though it was flawless I don’t think I’ll be spreading the Love-Blasting gospel anytime soon.

Now try blocking that image out of your head. Advice: you won’t be able to.

About Bank: “Hola, linda”

There is something very Madmen-esque about being a bank teller, even in this day and age. Men, usually middle-aged men, though I don’t want to discriminate (of course I do!!) seem to enjoy coming inside the bank versus using the ATM so they can stare at the young girl behind the counter who is shelling out money to them. When it’s put that way I guess it’s hard to see what’s not to like, but I digress…And on top of the staring most men don’t see any problem with flirting with any teller with a pulse and they often border on the intense and the inappropriate. It’s an ego boost, don’t get me wrong, but after working at a bank for six months in a neighborhood full of creepers I’ve had my fill of unsolicited male attention for at least a year or so.

Among my admirers is Rodrigo**, who graced me with his presence today. Oh joy. The notorious lech and sleaze comes in a few times a week and he only speaks Spanish (fyi I speak conversational Spanish and I was hired as a “bilingual” bank teller).

From the moment I met Rodrigo (well, maybe not the “moment” because when we met the first time he was with his wife…) he has tried to seduce and/or sell me something every time we’ve come into contact with one another. Whenever he comes to see me he opens with, “hola, linda!” (linda means pretty for those who don’t know) and then he looks me up and down, studying my form to the point where by now I’m sure he could chisel a statue of me out of alabaster and pick my boobs out of a line up (if they ever committed a crime of there own accord, sneaky bastards…).

The worst is when I look up from counting his money and catch him mumbling to himself ,”oh, mami, oh wow, que linda, oh wow…” And though he see’s me catch him he does not stop. GROSS.

As I do with all my customers, the day he asked me if I was married I said, ” No, pero tengo un novio.” (no, but I have a boyfriend [ass-hole]) Though I don’t. It’s just a little fib that helps me if people like Rodrigo over-step the boundaries.

He obviously didn’t seem to think my imaginary boyfriend was serious enough to keep him from mercilessly flirting with me. His grand plan, however, was to introduce me to his son, who he believed I would immediately fall in love with a marry (and yes, he said those very words to me). About a month or so ago he had asked for my phone number but I said I wasn’t allowed to give it out to customers so he asked for an e-mail address instead. I gave him a fake one. He came in a few weeks later saying it didn’t work so I gave him the fake one again saying, “that’s weird, try this one.”

Today, unable to reach me any other way, he brought his son in to meet me. Blessings.

He greeted me with his typical, “hola, linda!” and instead of mumbling to himself about me he made all of his normal comments to his son, out loud, in a language he knows I understand. This is a translation of what Rodrigo said to Rodrigo Jr.** (and yes, he made one comment after another without getting a response from his son):

Hola, linda!

This is my son!

I brought him in to meet you.

His name is Rodrigo Jr.

Look at how beautiful she is!

Her name is Tootsie Woo. ##

Tell her how beautiful she is!

…..

He’s embarrassed.

I looked up to see the extreme blush on Rodrigo Jr.’s face and felt so uncomfortable for the both of us. I had been hoping this would just be a meeting for me and Rodrigo Jr…but no. Before they left Rodrigo the elder put down a piece of scrap paper asking me to write down my number so his incredible catch of a son could call me later. What was I supposed to do!? I had told him I had a boyfriend. I had told him I wasn’t allowed to give my number to customers. I had given him a fake e-mail address! TWICE. My first thought was to give him my brother’s number to set him off the trail but then I was afraid he would bother him while he was at school. My second thought was to give him a fake number, ANY fake number but realized Rodrigo would always come back to ask again for the real one. So I panicked and did something stupid. I gave him my REAL number. Ay dios mio.

I can only hope his son is as lazy and unaccomplished as his mother says he is (that’s right, his mother!) and that calling me will join the ranks of “getting a job,” another task he hasn’t completed. And if he does call I can always tell him I’m a female impersonator…that might do the trick.

##obviously not my real name