Talkin’ Crazy

I have been living in a not so nice neighborhood. Ok, it’s pretty bad. Ok, it’s so bad that whenever I walk outside, even to walk a block or two, I am secretly clutching my mace in one pocket and a blade in the other.

So how do I cope with the neighborhood? One word. Crazy face.

I use my (patented) crazy face, trademarked, copyright 1996. The crazy face isn’t just mine, it belongs to the world at large and it was passed down from my mother who taught me it’s secrets. I’m sure many of you out there have learned the ways of the crazy face and are knowingly nodding your heads and stroking your goatees. All that is required to make a crazy face is…a face…to splash some crazy on. Why have I spent a paragraph annoyingly describing this? Good question. Answer? Why is the sky blue? How many teeth are in the mouth of a Homo sapien? These are questions that can’t be answered.

So. Crazy face. All I do is make myself look like a lunatic to ward off bad guys: rapists, theives, murderers, cat stranglers, the Penguin from Batman is making a comeback…It usually starts with the eyes. I make them really big, angry, and intense. Then I furrow the brows. Now that right there is the your basic crazy face. Crazy face, phase 2, involve an awful smile that, juxtaposed against the angry eyes and brows, is off-putting. Phase 3? I start making my eyes all googly and I start to laugh to myself. Phase 4 is when I just full on talk to myself and, I mean, I really go for it. I only pull that shit out if things are ROUGH so it’s go big or go home. In the scary, scary scenario that someone approaches me, grabs me, ANYTHING I will go into Phase 5: Shit Fanning where I flail my arms around (it’s called a helicopter punch) and speaking in tongues. I do not fuck around.

Now, of course, there are things I do when I’m just a little nervous. If I know I’m being paranoid but someone is near me and I just want to be safe I start coughing violently. Sickness is gross and off-putting and people usually start backing away. And always, ALWAYS, I clutch my mace. ALWAYS.

Now that is the Tootsie Woo guide to street smarts and safety…that an don’t be an idiot and take a self-defense class so you can actually defend yourself. I should get on that. The self-defense class, not the not being an idiot…that’s here to stay.

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Vintage Woo

I recently uncovered the perfect little snapshot of the 16 year old me. It was a list I made of rules to live by and it is reeking of angst, bubble-gum, and Lady Secret Deodorant (my deodorant of choice at that time, it smelled like fruit, who wants mango-scented armpits?).

Below is the life rules I created. I got the idea from the book Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination by Helen Fielding, the godsend that brought the world Bridget Jone’s, my literary twin (I know every girl says that they ARE Bridget Jones but they can just suck it).

 

Please enjoy this refreshing glimpse into the brain of a teenage girl as I share with you my private (well, it was private) guide to life…

And please watch:

and eat:

to get into my 16 year old mindset.

The following is exactly what I wrote six years ago, the only editing is my name and the deletion of a few poorly placed commas. Also, though I’m horrible at properly citing things (damn you MLS rule-book!), numbers 5 and 10 are taken directly from Olivia Joules.

[Tootsie Woo’s] Rules for Life, According to Olivia Joules Rules for Life

1. You are the only person that you can ever really rely on.

2. Like yourself before you like anyone else.

3. Always look on the bright side of life.

4. When the latter seems difficult, listen to Olivia Joules, and think “Fuck it” it could be worse.

5. “Nothing is ever as good or bad as it seems.”

6. If all else fails be charming, you should always be charming, it doesn’t hurt.

7. Who cares what anyone else thinks, “screw them,” your opinion is the only one that should matter.

8. Listen to your gut.

10. “No one is thinking about you, they are thinking about themselves, just like you are.”

11. Always keep your cool, going berserk can never possibly help the situation.

12. Independence is wonderful and should always be embraced and never taken advantage of.

13. Be yourself and you will be the person you want to be.

14. Grab shyness by the balls and tell it, “hey bitch, you’re not welcome,” then kick it a bit and say, “you best walk away ho.”

15. Shyness is the most unnecessary pain in the ass and should be gotten rid of as soon as possible.

16. Never get too upset over stupid things. It will be apparent if it is stupid when it comes up. Shake it off, there are more important things to get upset to worry about. [???I don’t know…???]

17. Don’t ever let anyone else make you feel bad, follow #7.

18. Be fearless.

19. Don’t ever be afraid to get what you need.

20. Get mad.

21. Love endlessly.

There is something oddly inspiring about an inexperienced teenager confidently writing the out her own rules for living her life with the calm resolution of an old, toothless sage, if I do say so myself. If she can be so in charge of her life than why do I feel so at a loss sometimes? I suppose we can all look to our younger, carefree selves as a guide in a time of need…we are all our own built in gurus.

“Love endlessly.” I suppose that is something I will always stand behind.