Yogurt Man

I love the sound of sneakers on a freshly-waxed basketball court. When I’m at the gym I go out of my way to walk on it as I “ogle” the middle-aged men trying to forget their lives and their respective hernias while they sweatily smack each others asses during a nice game of slow-mo b-ball.

What I hate about the gym? That the man on the bike next to smelled like a tub of sour Yoplait yogurt that expired around when he was born. I’m not sure exactly when that was but my guess is sometime during the Renaissance.

Imagine this plus armpits

There was a long line of bikes he was free to choose from, why on earth did he have to pick the bike directly next to me?? Was it the come-hither sweat that was pouring out of my eyeballs or perhaps the sesssy pudding-stained t-shirt I was wearing from the 3rd grade?

The stench led to a very ineffective work-out. It got to the point where I couldn’t inhale any longer so I would have to breath in spurts, only when I REALLY needed me some O2. But we all know how unnecessary air is when we are pushing ourselves physically, am I right?

One thing this experience has done is make me really thankful for my own body odor. I have this fear of forgetting to put on deodorant so I just carry some around with me. But even if I forgot to put it on for a decade and rubbed dog shit and baby vomit all of my naked body while I baked in the sun I WOULD NOT SPELL THAT BAD.

I hear that my trademark scent is coffee and cinnamon gum, which I am definitely happy with. Anything beats sour yogurt-covered balls…

You’re welcome for that image.

( Y )

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I solemnly swear…

…I will not have candy for breakfast. Like I did today. And yesterday…

Welcome to my life sans job or school.

I recently left my job because I am moving and need to be in two cities at the same time (thank god for teleportation, am I right?). I thought that leaving said job a few weeks before said move(cut to “About Bank,” I repeat, I don’t know how to link things, someone please tell me!) would free me literally and figuratively giving me all the time in the world to research new jobs in new city and allow me to really get on top of the “finding an apartment” thing. Well…it has given me a lot of extra time, I can’t deny that…but what have I been doing with the butt-load of free time…?

1. Waking up late:

I wake up everyday now around 11. EVERYDAY! This not only means I have wasted an entire morning but it stunts my entire day and makes it impossible to ever really wake up. Also I’ve been having really weird dreams due to the many hours I spend asleep…I don’t really want to go into them (of course I do, stay tuned for a new post!).

2. Eating candy for breakfast:

I know this doesn’t really take up my time but it is a frustrating habit that I cannot shake! Shake, milk-shake, mmmm–ENOUGH! I feel like my job-less state (though self-inflicted) has led to me behaving like an actual bum because I already feel like I’m a waste of space. Also, returning to the “walking up at 11” phenomenon, I wake up starving because I have last eaten 16 hrs prior and before my toast pops out of the toaster I look in front of me and there are hershey kiss wrappers (what if there were rappers?) everywhere! It’s a crime scene! There’s foil EVERYWHERE!! And I don’t even notice it happening…

3. Going to the gym:

I feel so shitty about my candy indiscretion I spend the next 2 hours at the gym! I time it so I can watch Rachel Ray be annoying for an hour and Dr. Phil be pretentious and moustachioed for another hour while I  mindlessly burn off Milton Hershey’s mess. Don’t get me wrong, I love the gym! I’ve finally gotten to the point where it is enjoyable to me. But I’m pretty sure I could free up my day if I just cut out the candy-eating and damage-control gym trip everyday.

4. Bull-shit television:

At some point everyday I make the poor the decision to watch just ONE episode of some show or another. This leads to a hulu marathon where my bed becomes a me-shaped fossil and I don’t get up for anything!! And I have really lowered my standards on what type of TV I allow myself to get sucked into which is NOT ok. The only place I draw the line? I refuse to watch The Real Housewives of ANYTHING! Watching plucked and tucked 40-somethings chafe on an in-house stripper pole reminds me too much of my childhood…

So this is the point where I try to motivate myself…right? RIGHT!! Ok so:

NO more candy for breakfast!

NO more all day hulu marathons!!

START apartment hunting!!

NO more waking up at 11 EVERYDAY (maybe every other day is ok for now…I’m not a superhero)

START making it a habit to get out of the house for something other than a gym, ANYTHING to inspire you to action!!

I REITERATE: NO CANDY FOR BREAKFAST.