I was having a dream that I was getting my hair done at a luxurious salon. The stylist was running their hands through my hair and beginning to braid it.
I woke up, only to the sensation that someone was still braiding my hair and thought maybe my husband was being cute and trying to gently wake my up. I turn around to see my kitten spooning me (yes, he was the big spoon) and eating my hair. He was being surprisingly gentle about it.
I am a cat lady. Even before I had any cats I was a cat lady.
I would like to say that this was something I had to “come to terms with,” or rather I should say that. The term “cat lady” is usually used in a disparaging manner. However, this is a label I have gladly welcomed, invited even.
You see, I recently invited a new cat into my home. My second. And by “invited” I mean I was having an innocent day, walking around with a cousin who was visiting me when I was blindsided by an adoption event. By blindsided, I mean that I actively searched for a very well advertised adoption event which I obviously found using a very basic understanding of Google Maps. And while I initially had no intention of taking a cat home with me…of course I did.
I had only recently discovered the joys of cat-motherhood. My entire life I had dreamed of bringing a little, gangly, pink-nosed kitten home, but was never able to. My dad had severe allergies, so growing up, cat’s were entirely out of the question. I spent my toddler-hood, with an a cat tail strapped to me (a Halloween remnant) and would drag around a stuffed animal that I was sure was my kitten. As in, I birthed it. That molded into a more socially acceptable activity in my teen years: roaming the web for funny cat videos. Throughout college, despite my efforts to sneak one into my dorm, I continued on, sad and 100% cat-less. Even after college, when I thought I would surely assert my independence by adopting, I traveled on, sans cat. It wasn’t until my 3rd year out of college when I decided to make a change. I brought home Olive, a gorgeous little Maine Coon from the country, and I knew I had met my destiny. I was and have always been, a cat lady.
My little darling.
It was not until that moment that I realized “cat lady” was not a circumstance, but a state of mind. Cat lady was the whole embodiment of cat-itude: a perfect mixture of laziness, coziness, and constant hunger. It lends itself to long nights at home with the TV flickering in front of you for hours as you beg your partner to massage you and bring you bon bons. We surround ourselves with cats because they make us feel better about ourselves. They make us feel totally justified in our behavior and that we are not alone.
I still have friends ask me, “don’t you feel tied down? You have to go home to feed them and can’t go away for weekends without getting a cat sitter.” First of all, they’re effing cats. COOL IT. And…you want the truth? This is everything I want out of life. Ok, well, my home life. A purring, cooing little fluff ball I can spoon while watching reality TV. I have found my bliss.
As I brought my new little orange bundle of joy home after that adoption event, I relished in imagining the new level of lounging I would reach. After days of debating, my husband and I christened him Turd Ferguson. We’ve never been happier or lazier.
My little booger face.
Science is a magical thing.
Well, I suppose the whole point of magic is that it goes beyond the laws of science, but still it is pretty magical in a non-Harry Potter way.
I have been having small realizations lately about the fact that humans are just animals.
This seems like a very common fact, something most people have come to terms with, but I am still blown over by this from time to time. It is usually in terms of violence and war when people examine our resemblance to the other creatures roaming the earth, to the very pets we keep in crates and put on leashes, but it is in the mating habits of humans that I have noticed these similarities and it really takes a lot of the mystery away. It is by examining these basic, animalistic traits that I am learning how ultimately simplistic men and woman are in the dating world.
The other day I was sitting at a Random Coffee Shop drinking my iced latte, reading a copy of Glamour like a G when I saw an extremely attractive male Homo sapien walk by. He had wavy, dark hair, beautiful, dark, intense eyes and was of an average height and build. But outside of those very basic features, features that could describe a huge percentage of the population, and a large percentage of the cartoon population, there was just something about him I couldn’t explain that drew me to him. And I heard this little voice in my head say,
“I want to make a baby with him.”
EXCUSE YOU, Brain? You want to what?! You hardly know the man, nay, you don’t know the man, so pull your hypothetical pants on (like the red cigarette jeans on page 54 of your magazine) and zip up. Also wipe up the hypothetical drool, Liver is smirking.
And just as I began to interrogate myself, my brain went mute and didn’t repeat the thought, though it had definitely been there. My attraction to him was just on a “I want to pass down your genes* to my children because they rock” basis but that is really at the root of every serious attraction.
*(and I am not referring to the red cigarette jeans…pg. 54…Christmas is nigh…)
We delude ourselves (excuse me for my use of the universal “we” if this is not “you,” if you are of an evolved breed of human who makes all the right decisions in relationships…eff you) by adding all of this fluff to our relationships but it really comes down to very simple ideals. It’s about survival, it’s about reproduction, it’s about pheromones, and not much else.
As a member of the female sex (as my driver’s license tells me) I have forced many a friend to sit by my side and agonize over why someone didn’t call, what the intonation of his “hey” meant, why he gave me a “double hug,” and I have been party to hundreds of conversations like that and they have gone on for hours!
Typical scenario #1…
“Why didn’t he call me back? We had a great time! He told me I was a lot of fun and that we should do it again, but he never called! He put his arm around me during the movie and gave me a kiss on the cheek!”
Girl answer: I don’t know sweetie! Maybe he’s just been really busy lately and didn’t have time to call, I’m sure he’ll get to it. it sounds like you have something really special there!
“Science” answer: You didn’t put out.
Typical scenario #2…
“Why did he break up with me!? We’ve been together for a year and he just breaks up with me out of nowhere!? We just got back from a very romantic trip to the beach and had such a great time! He’s always said how he wanted to settle down!”
Girl answer: He’ll come to his senses! He doesn’t know how big a mistake he’s making, walking out on you! He’s just not ready to commit and that is HIS problem, not yours!
“Science” answer: He doesn’t want his kids to need laser hair removal. Also, you probably didn’t put out enough…
Typical scenario #3…
“Why does he want to hang out? I always thought of him as a friend but he texted me and says we should watch a movie at his place tonight. He says that he wants to talk about something. What do you think it is?”
Girl answer: OH my god! I knew he was into you! Maybe he wants to start seeing you! He’s been so flirty lately!
“Science” answer: He probably wants to talk about how he hopes you’ll put out.
Of course, I don’t want to belittle actual romance and a shared bond between two people, but most relationships/one-night stands begin this way. I feel men are very in touch with that blunt, animal-like side of themselves and can very easily break down what they want in a given moment. Women, however, just pile on a bunch of glitter and cupcakes to glorify and complicate a very basic human need and desire. I’m jealous of men for their often frank evaluations of their needs and feelings in a given moment. And also, nothing is this cut and dry, either. I have guy friends who obsess over every moment they spend with a date and I have girl friends who do not give a rat’s ass how long that hug was or how many exclamation marks he used when saying, “can’t wait to see you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 32…
All I’m saying is we all (all us we’s who do have the tendency to dwell) sleep a little easier if we just broke it down to the science of what is going on. All that matters is are you into him/her? Do you enjoy their company all around or do you want to just do the nasty? And, adversely, those things need to match up with how that person answers those questions. It’s really as simple as that. The actual chemical reaction going on in your body will take care of the rest.
Though we all know it’s not, it won’t, and a perfect scenario can still turn into poo. But C’est la vie!
Adventures of TootsieWoo 