Haters Gonna Hate

I was about to start this post with:

I don’t hate a lot of things in this world but…

And realized that is complete shite. And yes, “shite” not “shit,” I’m reaching out to the Irish market. Anyway, that is complete crap, I do hate a lot of things, more than I’d like to admit, actually, but more on that later…so rewind.

I DO hate a lot of things but I especially hate when people take it upon themselves to be my doctors and health advisers.

Specifically?

Some dumb-ass whore took it upon herself to warn me about the dangers of diet coke while I was minding my own business at a holiday party.

First of all, it was a HOLIDAY PARTY. So the fact that I wasn’t giving a mall Santa a lap dance was already a few points in my favor. Not that I’ve done that…I had a friend once…a stupid, stupid friend…

Second of all, I did not know this woman, so back the fuck off and leave my DC alone.

I have a huge problem when people feel empowered by a “study” they read recently and decide to shit all over your perfectly fine bad decisions as if that is there job. See? I’m not saying that anyone is wrong or ill-informed when they vomit up newly learned, medical-ish facts. It is the fact that they think you give a fuck that bothers me. Or that they think you asked for there advice. Or that they think you want this stranger, who probably collects baby doll heads in their closet, to tell you how to live your life.

But lets also address the fact that they are also usually wrong. They read an article in “The Times” they say? Yeah, it was Cosmo Girl. The article says that soy is good for women, they say? Well it is good for young women but not for women who have reached Menopause. For those it can increase the risk of breast cancer. But, oops, they just left that part out. There’s a new diet where you only drink a mixture of lemons, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water, they say? Well, that one’s real…wait, I think I’ve done that…

And, while we are at it…are these people usually doctors. No. And being a boss when it comes to the game Operation doesn’t count. Neither does TiVo-ing General Hospital every day. Or the fact that you’ve performed the Heimlich maneuver on your cat. But if those all apply to you I want you to look really carefully at your life. I’ll provide the tissues for your viewing.

So not only are these people usually misrepresenting a so-called “study” (another word people love to through around, like “monogamy” and “diarrhea”) they are not qualified to fully understand the information they are spewing. And even if they are, let’s just pretend, they are still laboring under the misapprehension that you give two shits. And here is another thing about those freaking studies, they are always freaking changing!! Coffee goes from being the hero to the villain to the hero in the course of a day! Wine, and alcohol in general, is always switching sides! Cocaine…well there’s nothing yet, but I hear it’s making a comeback. Do I need to go back to the fact that I still don’t care? Even if you’re 110% right?

Now. Lets go back to the dumb-ass who belittled my beloved soda of choice. This is me setting the scene…

I was at a small little holiday party at a friend’s apartment. I was enjoying myself, minding my own business, drinking a glass of wine, and talking to friends I hadn’t seen in a while. Then she approached (you should be envisioning the music from Jaws). There was a bottle of Pepsi nearby and someone referenced it when out of nowhere this woman says, “Do you drink diet soda?” At that point I knew what was coming but I had to continue. “Yes,” I said coolly. So she immediately went to battle, “You need to stop drinking it! It is so bad, especially if you’re a woman!”

And that point all I was thinking was, “And what was your name?” But all I could do was nod along as she ripped on my drank.

Let me point to the fact that I wasn’t drinking diet soda. Not even remotely. But still I deserved this attack. She was older then me, close to my parents age so I felt obliged to sit and listen but I tuned out the second the conversation started. Allow me to count the ways she was an idiot:

1. I wasn’t drinking diet soda. I just had to say it again.

2. When I asked why it was bad she didn’t tell me she just let her voice get louder the way politicians do when they are trying to prove an empty point. “AMERICA.” “DEMOCRACY.” “PUPPIES ARE CUTE.” She also loved to through in the phrase, “It’s especially bad for women!!” I feel this is a common ploy in conversations about healthy lifestyles. If by “woman” you mean I have a vagina, then yes, I’ll give you that. But if by “woman” you mean I’m gullible, have zero common sense, am sympathetic to other women, and am bad at math and science, then no I refuse to concede.

3. She was the one who brought the soda to the party. “What?” you say. “That is ridiculous, I say!” I know, dude. It was.

4. She wasn’t a doctor. Wasn’t in any way involved in the medical profession. Nope, not in the sciences either. Not even remotely. Nope, she worked in the arts and had two eyes and a partially functioning human brain. Apparently that was all she needed to tell me how to live.

I’m sure there are many of you out there who believe diet soda is bad for you. Hey, guy, I KNOW it’s (most likely) bad for me. It is a bubbly, brown drink that is made of nothing more than chemicals. Nothing besides water should be zero calories and I know that. But I like it and I’ll be damned if you’re going to take that away from me!! I’ve sat around as all you wankers ate salads with french fries on them (it’s called the Pittsburgh Salad). I didn’t say anything when you pierced your ears while you were drunk with a rusty push-pin. I watch, tight-lipped, as you reach for your seventh cigarette that hour. I turned a blind eye when you made your own drugs in a dorm bathroom. SO YOU ARE NOT TAKING MY FUCKING DIET COKE AWAY FROM ME! It might be crap but it is my crap and I’m allowed that!

The thing is, annoying woman who I hope to never see again, we all know deep down that shit is bad. Salad with french fries? Aw, honey, that’s not a salad. That’s a bad decision hiding under lettuce. You want to pierce your own ear? I’ll go with you to the hospital tomorrow when it’s the size of a golf-ball. And who at this point doesn’t know the dangers of smoking? Really? If I literally watched someone crawl out from under a rock and grab a cigarette I might be compelled to point out the warning label and speak to them in whatever Nell-esque language they learned under there about lung cancer. And the home-made drugs? I would address it but I don’t really know how.

We all have our vices and we all know that they’re vices. If you want to call my diet soda a vice and exhaust my holiday cheer by poorly explaining why, go for it. Then I will go for your throat and give myself at least 30 seconds to escape as you regain the ability to breath.

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