“Hippies Use Back Door”

2 Mar

 

The other night I saw the movie Wanderlust, starring Jennifer Aniston, who I have a love-hate relationship with, and Paul Rudd, who I have a love-obsessed-possible-restraining-order relationship with. I saw this movie for obvious reasons, one being my love, love, LOVE of Paul Rudd, and two being I love that a hairy, chubby, naked man is smushing grapes making wine in several different scenes. Where else can you see some weird shit like that?

The movie was surprisingly good and REALLY funny (so I recommend it!!), but that is not what this post is about. For those of you who have either seen the movie or at least the poorly descriptive preview that literally just has two seconds worth of shots of people running and jumping with the text “WANDERLUST” at the end (HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT!), you know that it is about a couple that stays at a semi-nudist, vegan commune while trying to escape their money problems in New York.

I’m well aware that it was a comedy that was not exactly showing a commune in a true light, but their lifestyle, I hate to say,  looked so appealing! I know it sounds crazy to have that sort of response from such a ridiculous film but it was beautiful. Everyone lived off the land and formed a self-serving, inclusive group that just took care of each member. I must sound like good cult-bait from this but I’m normally I’m so against that type of lifestyle!

Reasons I Would Suck on a Commune

1. I hate camping and living off the land. Eating nuts and berries like a little, coked-out squirrel and using poison ivy as toilet paper? No thanks.

2. I am emotionally attached to many technological implements: cell-phone, computer, laptop, other personal things…It’s sad but if I were forced to live without them I might fling myself off a balcony. A first floor balcony, but still…

3. I hate hippies (except if a hippie is reading this…you’re the one I don’t hate…). They are so damn convinced that they are living the right way it makes me want to stick wads of gum in their dreads. Although that would be pointless as they wouldn’t find it until their next shower. Five years later.

4. I like wearing deodorant. Call me crazy but when I’m pushed up against someone in the subway I’d rather not remind them of a barrel of rancid Indian food.

5. I loves me some meat. Love it. There is literally not a type of meat that I don’t like. My Austrian ancestors passed along a love of the good stuff that definitely lives on in me.

6. I hate the holier-than-thou vibe that communities like that thrive off of.

But despite all the reasons I should of been so appalled by the community represented in the movie, I couldn’t help but find aspects that were enticing…

Aspects that were Enticing

1. I wouldn’t have to shower that much. If it was socially acceptable to shower once or twice a week I would do it. But as it stands, society insists I take care of my self so I’m obliged to bathe more frequently. If I lived on a commune I would roll out of bed, jump into a lake somewhere, lay out in the sun and be deemed “clean.”

2. I would get beautiful, farm-labor-related muscles. Gyms stress me out because they are literally just skinny factories. You and some hairy, 300 lb. lawyer are next to each other lifting weights probably because you hate to look at yourselves naked. Let’s be real, people who LOVE their bodies don’t feel inclined to go to the gym as often. If I worked on a farm I would be accidentally getting defined muscles without trying too hard.

3. I wouldn’t have to have a traditional job. Need I say anything more?

4. I would always be gloriously tan from working outside. Yes I would prematurely wrinkle and sure as hell wouldn’t have a dermatologist to go to, but I would be lovely and sunkissed for a decade at least before things went south.

5. And…ugh…though it pains me to say this…I would kinda, maybe, sorta like to know what it would be like to…BE ONE WITH THE EARTH. There, I said it.

So I am going to go on a hippie challenge.

I normally look pityingly on my vegan friends because I just don’t get it but I am going to try it for a week and see how I feel. All those sissy, tree-hugging, brain-dead vegans (once again, if you’re vegan I’m obviously not talking about you, dear reader…) say they feel “so good” all the time, just so energetic and alive so I’m going to give them a run for their money and see what the fuss is about. I will report my findings for all you carnivores. I also will be taking more yoga classes, spending a lot of time “being one” with the two inches of open earth in NYC, whatever the fuck that means, and I am going to play the best hippie I can for that week or so and see if some of that East Coast cynicism washes off.

Who knows, I might even try it for an extra week or so. But it will probably all end the next day over a rack of ribs and bucket of Ben and Jerry’s. In tears.

 

2 Responses to ““Hippies Use Back Door””

  1. mooselicker March 2, 2012 at 6:23 pm #

    This was the strangest film review I ever read.

    I dated a girl who became a vegetarian. I didn’t hear from her for a week and she said that she passed out from lack of protein. Be careful! You might end up like that illegal Mexican immigrant from New Brunswick who had my heart that one summer month.

    • tootsiewoo March 2, 2012 at 11:13 pm #

      Needless to say, I love you Mooselicker. I will be careful and keep a bacon reserve in my purse at all times. It will be similar to bacon reserve I keep in my pocket most days to attract men.

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