Breakfast of Champions

27 Feb

Since I moved I have not done a good job grocery shopping. The only thing you can buy in my neighborhood is beer, a Subway sandwich, and what’s the third thing…the third thing…oh yea, crack. So that means I have to get my groceries in a different neighborhood (though my normal 2 hour trek to find crack is a thing of the past) meaning that I would only be able to get a few things at a time because I have the upper body strength of a premature kitten.

I am saying all this to set the scene…DUN DUN DUN.

This morning I was lounging in my bed after waking up at the early hour of…noon. The ass-crack of dawn. I was lying there luxuriously in a robe watching a stand-up comedy DVD and needed something for breakfast. I look in my empty cabinets only to find carrots and hummus, bouillon cubes, and half a bottle of wine. I was about to suck on a bouillon cube when I noticed half a bag of popcorn that I had drunkenly purchased the night before so I delightedly brought it in my room, because nothing screams breakfast like popcorn! I was absentmindedly reaching into the bag because Louis C.K. was being particularly funny and ginger at that moment and I put what I thought was popcorn in my mouth…it was not. I cannot describe in words the fear I felt at that moment as I tasted the most disgusting thing I’ve ever consumed. And I’ve eaten sushi in Arizona. I started to gag and spit, to get whatever it was out of my mouth. I then started stuffing tissues in my mouth to suck up the grossness. Whatever it was was black as night, grainy looking, like a regurgitated oreo and it tasted like a flower that had been dipped in poison and set on fire. Also, it was not going away!! Every time I spit out the black, crap-like substance it seemed to double and come back with a vengeance. I coughed and hacked in vain, but the mystery food would not go away!

So how did this scene end? With me in the bathroom, robe completely open, crying like a bitch, sticking my pink toothbrush down my throat and forcing myself to throw up.

I was quite a mess to behold. I call that stance the Lindsay Lohan, as I’m sure she finds herself in that very position before many a drug test.

So, in conclusion, I still don’t know what I ate, I suppose it could’ve been a very VERY burnt kernel, but there is no way I got off that easy. So either I swallowed rat shit, a cockroach and will start violently vomiting any minute now, or I consumed a magic herb and will have super powers by morning.

9 Responses to “Breakfast of Champions”

  1. mooselicker February 27, 2012 at 4:06 pm #

    You remind me of some lesbian I know. That’s neither an insult nor a compliment. Something I had to say though.

    I’ve eaten those burnt kernels before. I know your anguish.

    Which Louis CK special was this that you were watching?

    • tootsiewoo February 27, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

      Haha, you ALWAYS reference lesbians with me, but hey I’ll take it, I wish I was that cool and edgy. Is that what stereotyping is?

      I was watching Hilarious and Chewed Up, it was an exciting morning!

  2. For Better GENiUS February 27, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

    Every single thing about this post is incredible,funny, and relatable so I give it the honors of me spelling out these honors.

    I havent been out to buy breakfast food in a week so it’s been Thin Mints every morning or maybe a microwaved hotdog w no bun if I was feeling like spending one minute waiting. I used to have roach problem when first moved on apt due to the shitty neighbors that moved from mine to one floor down ( don’t worry, my bands play above their children’s room often … Loudly). Also aside from one jug of crystal light for hangovers, every other liquid in my fridge is for alcohol purposes.

    • For Better GENiUS February 27, 2012 at 5:40 pm #

      Oh and Louie is my second favorite comedian next to Carlin. We should be friends hahahaha I heard that’s how friendships are started by creepers on the onterwebs

      • tootsiewoo February 27, 2012 at 8:36 pm #

        Louie is my man, Carlin is such a legend but I need to see more of his stand-up, I’m embarrassed that I haven’t seen that much of it. And we probably should be, does that make both of us creepers?

    • tootsiewoo February 27, 2012 at 8:35 pm #

      Hotdogs and Thin Mints, the ACTUAL breakfast of champions! One time I drunkenly fell asleep while eating trailmix, but I don’t think I can count that as breakfast…and I probably shouldn’t have shared that. Also, I honestly don’t get the point of juice if it’s not used for a mixed drink. The very thought of un-spiked cranberry juice sounds absurd! What instrument do you play?

      • For Better GENiUS February 27, 2012 at 8:53 pm #

        all, baby. hahahaha
        got a music room full of drum, guitar, bass, vocal mics, probably a violin somewhere (own it, but that’s stretching to say i playyyy it haha).

      • For Better GENiUS February 27, 2012 at 8:54 pm #

        and the only reason i’ve been buying gallons of milk recently is for White Russians

      • tootsiewoo February 29, 2012 at 1:26 pm #

        My old roommate (old as in she’s not my roommate anymore, not as in 84 years old, though that would be interesting…) used to make White Russians with pure cream. Warning, if you try that you will most likely die from arteries full of cottage cheese within the week. Also, as a white Russian, I’m offended.

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