Talkin’ Crazy

12 Feb

I have been living in a not so nice neighborhood. Ok, it’s pretty bad. Ok, it’s so bad that whenever I walk outside, even to walk a block or two, I am secretly clutching my mace in one pocket and a blade in the other.

So how do I cope with the neighborhood? One word. Crazy face.

I use my (patented) crazy face, trademarked, copyright 1996. The crazy face isn’t just mine, it belongs to the world at large and it was passed down from my mother who taught me it’s secrets. I’m sure many of you out there have learned the ways of the crazy face and are knowingly nodding your heads and stroking your goatees. All that is required to make a crazy face is…a face…to splash some crazy on. Why have I spent a paragraph annoyingly describing this? Good question. Answer? Why is the sky blue? How many teeth are in the mouth of a Homo sapien? These are questions that can’t be answered.

So. Crazy face. All I do is make myself look like a lunatic to ward off bad guys: rapists, theives, murderers, cat stranglers, the Penguin from Batman is making a comeback…It usually starts with the eyes. I make them really big, angry, and intense. Then I furrow the brows. Now that right there is the your basic crazy face. Crazy face, phase 2, involve an awful smile that, juxtaposed against the angry eyes and brows, is off-putting. Phase 3? I start making my eyes all googly and I start to laugh to myself. Phase 4 is when I just full on talk to myself and, I mean, I really go for it. I only pull that shit out if things are ROUGH so it’s go big or go home. In the scary, scary scenario that someone approaches me, grabs me, ANYTHING I will go into Phase 5: Shit Fanning where I flail my arms around (it’s called a helicopter punch) and speaking in tongues. I do not fuck around.

Now, of course, there are things I do when I’m just a little nervous. If I know I’m being paranoid but someone is near me and I just want to be safe I start coughing violently. Sickness is gross and off-putting and people usually start backing away. And always, ALWAYS, I clutch my mace. ALWAYS.

Now that is the Tootsie Woo guide to street smarts and safety…that an don’t be an idiot and take a self-defense class so you can actually defend yourself. I should get on that. The self-defense class, not the not being an idiot…that’s here to stay.


2 Responses to “Talkin’ Crazy”

  1. mooselicker February 26, 2012 at 2:42 pm #

    Now I remember why I liked you so much.

    This is a great theory. If I’m ever in a bad neighborhood I try to walk like a thug. You know, drag my leg a little bit and only pull up one pant leg. My face resembles that of a cherub too much. I always do my best to hide it. Everyone always wants to kill a Precious Moments angel.

    • tootsiewoo February 27, 2012 at 1:26 am #

      DO IT! You need to go to a costume shop and buy some theatrical make-up. If you give yourself a few gnarly scars no one will mess with you, except those few dudes with the even gnarlier scars…yikes

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