We are Animals

6 Dec

Science is a magical thing.

Well, I suppose the whole point of magic is that it goes beyond the laws of science, but still it is pretty magical in a non-Harry Potter way.

I have been having small realizations lately about the fact that humans are just animals.

This seems like a very common fact, something most people have come to terms with, but I am still blown over by this from time to time. It is usually in terms of violence and war when people examine our resemblance to the other creatures roaming the earth, to the very pets we keep in crates and put on leashes, but it is in the mating habits of humans that I have noticed these similarities and it really takes a lot of the mystery away. It is by examining these basic, animalistic traits that I am learning how ultimately simplistic men and woman are in the dating world.

The other day I was sitting at a Random Coffee Shop drinking my iced latte, reading a copy of Glamour like a G when I saw an extremely attractive male Homo sapien walk by. He had wavy, dark hair, beautiful, dark, intense eyes and was of an average height and build. But outside of those very basic features, features that could describe a huge percentage of the population, and a large percentage of the cartoon population, there was just something about him I couldn’t explain that drew me to him. And I heard this little voice in my head say,

“I want to make a baby with him.”

EXCUSE YOU, Brain? You want to what?! You hardly know the man, nay, you don’t know the man, so pull your hypothetical pants on (like the red cigarette jeans on page 54 of your magazine) and zip up. Also wipe up the hypothetical drool, Liver is smirking.

And just as I began to interrogate myself, my brain went mute and didn’t repeat the thought, though it had definitely been there. My attraction to him was just on a “I want to pass down your genes* to my children because they rock” basis but that is really at the root of every serious attraction.

*(and I am not referring to the red cigarette jeans…pg. 54…Christmas is nigh…)

We delude ourselves (excuse me for my use of the universal “we” if this is not “you,” if you are of an evolved breed of human who makes all the right decisions in relationships…eff you) by adding all of this fluff to our relationships but it really comes down to very simple ideals. It’s about survival, it’s about reproduction, it’s about pheromones, and not much else.

As a member of the female sex (as my driver’s license tells me) I have forced many a friend to sit by my side and agonize over why someone didn’t call, what the intonation of his “hey” meant, why he gave me a “double hug,” and I have been party to hundreds of conversations like that and they have gone on for hours!

Typical scenario #1…

“Why didn’t he call me back? We had a great time! He told me I was a lot of fun and that we should do it again, but he never called! He put his arm around me during the movie and gave me a kiss on the cheek!”

Girl answer: I don’t know sweetie! Maybe he’s just been really busy lately and didn’t have time to call, I’m sure he’ll get to it. it sounds like you have something really special there!

“Science” answer: You didn’t put out.

Typical scenario #2…

“Why did he break up with me!? We’ve been together for a year and he just breaks up with me out of nowhere!? We just got back from a very romantic trip to the beach and had such a great time! He’s always said how he wanted to settle down!”

Girl answer: He’ll come to his senses! He doesn’t know how big a mistake he’s making, walking out on you! He’s just not ready to commit and that is HIS problem, not yours!

“Science” answer: He doesn’t want his kids to need laser hair removal. Also, you probably didn’t put out enough…

Typical scenario #3…

“Why does he want to hang out? I always thought of him as a friend but he texted me and says we should watch a movie at his place tonight. He says that he wants to talk about something. What do you think it is?”

Girl answer: OH my god! I knew he was into you! Maybe he wants to start seeing you! He’s been so flirty lately!

“Science” answer: He probably wants to talk about how he hopes you’ll put out.

Of course, I don’t want to belittle actual romance and a shared bond between two people, but most relationships/one-night stands begin this way. I feel men are very in touch with that blunt, animal-like side of themselves and can very easily break down what they want in a given moment. Women, however, just pile on a bunch of glitter and cupcakes to glorify and complicate a very basic human need and desire. I’m jealous of men for their often frank evaluations of their needs and feelings in a given moment. And also, nothing is this cut and dry, either. I have guy friends who obsess over every moment they spend with a date and I have girl friends who do not give a rat’s ass how long that hug was or how many exclamation marks he used when saying, “can’t wait to see you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 32…

All I’m saying is we all (all us we’s who do have the tendency to dwell) sleep a little easier if we just broke it down to the science of what is going on. All that matters is      are you into him/her? Do you enjoy their company all around or do you want to just do the nasty? And, adversely, those things need to match up with how that person answers those questions. It’s really as simple as that. The actual chemical reaction going on in your body will take care of the rest.

Though we all know it’s not, it won’t, and a perfect scenario can still turn into poo. But C’est la vie!


8 Responses to “We are Animals”

  1. T Scott December 6, 2011 at 9:47 pm #

    You my friend have just begin to understand life!! Absolutely true…Great post!!

    • tootsiewoo December 8, 2011 at 4:26 pm #

      Thank you!! I shall report more findings on life as they come to pass:) Thanks for stopping by!

  2. myatheistlife December 6, 2011 at 10:04 pm #

    It’s better than that. You can understand your chemical stockpile driving you to want his genetic imprint on your offspring but can’t seem to come to grips with the fact that it’s the same pile of chemicals driving you to obsess over all the details.

    Think about it for a minute. Think about nature’s rewards and punishments and how they are expressed in your brain. To help you decide on what walking bag of genetic traits to bed your body uses subtle clues about the prospective baby daddy to tell you yay or nay. When the clues are all good, your body will continue to tell you yay, hell yay, call him back yay, gotta get some genetics samples yayayay. Then some moments after you have the samples your brain will start thinking about maintaining a supply of said samples…. hear the bells ringing yet? Better living through chemicals. The only option you have is reason. Life without it pushes you back toward the forest. Hell, some humans still live there.

    • tootsiewoo December 8, 2011 at 4:32 pm #

      OH man, how romantic!! How come I never hear anybody say “You only want me for my genes…typical.” ? Thanks for your input! I really did have to think about it for a second but that is definitely the most informed way to look at “love” and “relationships” (I want those quotes to represent air quotes), it’s amazing how all Rom Com’s come down to those basic facts and chemical reactions!

  3. thesilentsoul December 7, 2011 at 5:02 am #

    Great post!

    • tootsiewoo December 8, 2011 at 4:32 pm #

      Thank you! And thanks for stopping by!

  4. mooselicker December 7, 2011 at 6:01 pm #

    Someone had a bad date recently. – Me saying that in the annoying nosey guy from work voice, maybe with a nudge

    There’s no need for a girl to put out right away, especially a first date. Every girl needs to get together and agree no sex until after a certain number of dates. But I say this having never had a one night stand. Maybe if I was suave enough to trick a girl into liking me instead of being myself I’d think differently.

    This post started off so serious. I was afraid for a moment that us men were going to get a real lashing.

    • tootsiewoo December 8, 2011 at 4:35 pm #

      I plead the fifth! I merely had a moment of revelation:)
      And this was definitely not meant as a Man Bash, I meant it more as a Wo-man Bash! Or simply a bash on over-thinking very innate human responses.
      I obviously was working through something when I wrote it though, I should of wrote “Boogers” or “poopie” at the end just to make it more light-hearted.

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