Is that a breeze or…

30 Nov

The other day I ripped my favorite skinny jeans in a very (cough) private place. My “danger zone” as Stewart from MadTV called it.

Let me set the scene…

INT. Kitchen. Group of people laughing around non-descript brunette with AWESOME jeans...and I’m bored.

OK, I’m a total ham and an opportunity presented itself for me to make others laugh and I was on it like white on rice. I was doing an impersonation of my old, bladder-control-less dog trying to pee on the floor, frantically spinning in circles. Looking back, I had realized that all the activity might be a little more than my pants could withstand but I had already committed to it!! There was no turning back.

So there I was, already looking like an idiot, running around on my hands and knees, spinning around and around, and I got to the most important part, the lifting of the leg, and ::LOUD RIPPING SOUND::

I’m cold.

Luckily, I was amongst friends so it became extremely hilarious, but secretly I was crying inside, imagining my pants with angel wings, flying up to heaven and spurning me for abusing them so.

The worst part of it is, I am not dealing with my loss very well. I’m beginning to resemble an old cat lady who keeps her departed pet in a shoe box for weeks before coming to terms with the fact that it’s dead, or as I like to call this woman, every Home Ec. teacher I’ve ever had. I’m resembling her in that I am still wearing the pants. I wore them to the movies, out to dinner, on a walk, and… I’m even wearing them right now…

But why shouldn’t I where them?! People spend money, money they could have a better use for on drugs, buying pre-ripped jeans. Why are some ripped jeans more appropriately ripped than others? Is there a degree in design (I use the word ‘degree’ very lightly…it’s fashion school, come on…) necessary for properly ripping jeans? Do they need to be taken to a mountain top in Greece where a Denim whisperer rips them after saying a prayer and putting holy oils on them?

Isn’t better to pay homage to an excellent part of slimming, ass-perfecting jeans that have been your faithful friend for longer than you’d like to admit?

This was an accident...

Hey there big boy, I'm cool

The whole point of ripped jeans should be to make a cool style out of something that you would normally have to thrown away. To make lemonade, as they say. Not to purposely look like a really bad stripper who can’t make enough dough shaking her money-maker to cover all of her legs with fabric. There are much better ways to look like a stripper. Why not look like a well-paid one to begin with!? One who can afford to wear fine pleather booty shorts and leopard-print, sequined booby-tassels? Exactly.

So I’m going to keep wearing those jeans and embrace the fact that I got for free what many velour wearing teens spend their lunch money on. And to embrace the fact that I’m a spaz! And because my jeans loved my ass all these years and they deserve to be loved back!


8 Responses to “Is that a breeze or…”

  1. mooselicker November 30, 2011 at 4:46 pm #

    I have a friend that wears ripped jeans. I always have to ask if he bought them that way or if he was “horsing around.” It’s about 50/50.

    I’m starting to get the feeling that you’ve never had a good day in your life.

    • tootsiewoo November 30, 2011 at 11:02 pm #

      I have good days from time to time but they are pretty boring and not worth posting about. “I woke up at noon today. I then went to an ice cream buffet in Disneyworld where I sat around with Jason Segel and Tina Fey and shot the shit. Then we painted each others nails and had a pillow fight.”…I probably would post about that good day.

      • mooselicker December 1, 2011 at 12:37 pm #

        C’mon, there’s tons to do in Philly! You can ride the ducks or meet a cute guy at Shampoo. Then there’s seeing the Arts in Philadelphia with Kevin Bacon. Don’t forget that.

        Wow, I live 20 minutes away from the city and those are the only things I could think a girl would enjoy doing. I don’t blame you for having a boring life.

      • tootsiewoo December 1, 2011 at 9:15 pm #

        Seeeee?? But you thought of more than I did so that’s something. I’m kinda lazy when it comes to doing things so give me a bottle of wine and a my TV shows and I’m pretty set. Lame.

  2. Lily December 1, 2011 at 11:12 pm #

    For some reason my jeans ALWAYS wear down in my crotch. Probably because my thighs rub together when I walk…but not in a gross way. They just touch! Ugh the universe hates me. At least if they wore down in the knees it would look cool.

    • tootsiewoo December 2, 2011 at 12:41 am #

      I hear ya! I do a lot of Yoga and now most of my pants are crotch-less because of all the stretching. It’s a cruel world!

  3. Sarah Hoffman December 6, 2011 at 11:40 am #

    so… were you wearing underpants? I think that might be the most important question of all. lol.

    • tootsiewoo December 6, 2011 at 7:06 pm #

      I reserve my right not to answer this question. You can speak to my lawyer about that one.

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