Yogurt Man

28 Nov

I love the sound of sneakers on a freshly-waxed basketball court. When I’m at the gym I go out of my way to walk on it as I “ogle” the middle-aged men trying to forget their lives and their respective hernias while they sweatily smack each others asses during a nice game of slow-mo b-ball.

What I hate about the gym? That the man on the bike next to smelled like a tub of sour Yoplait yogurt that expired around when he was born. I’m not sure exactly when that was but my guess is sometime during the Renaissance.

Imagine this plus armpits

There was a long line of bikes he was free to choose from, why on earth did he have to pick the bike directly next to me?? Was it the come-hither sweat that was pouring out of my eyeballs or perhaps the sesssy pudding-stained t-shirt I was wearing from the 3rd grade?

The stench led to a very ineffective work-out. It got to the point where I couldn’t inhale any longer so I would have to breath in spurts, only when I REALLY needed me some O2. But we all know how unnecessary air is when we are pushing ourselves physically, am I right?

One thing this experience has done is make me really thankful for my own body odor. I have this fear of forgetting to put on deodorant so I just carry some around with me. But even if I forgot to put it on for a decade and rubbed dog shit and baby vomit all of my naked body while I baked in the sun I WOULD NOT SPELL THAT BAD.

I hear that my trademark scent is coffee and cinnamon gum, which I am definitely happy with. Anything beats sour yogurt-covered balls…

You’re welcome for that image.

( Y )

11 Responses to “Yogurt Man”

  1. For Better GENiUS November 29, 2011 at 12:42 am #

    ps: it’s scientifically proven that men’s sweat is a pheromone that attracts women (while not crossing the line of body odor). maybe this is why you noticed him; because it was subconscious yogurt sex-sweat fragrance, if you will, before you’re mind tried to label it as repulsive

    isn’t it fun what you’re attracted to without knowing it?

    • tootsiewoo November 29, 2011 at 1:43 am #

      I do have a major thing for 70 year old men wearing yellow sweat bands. HOT. And I did have yogurt for breakfast!!! YOU ARE ON TO SOMETHING.

    • tootsiewoo November 29, 2011 at 1:45 am #

      In all seriousness though, that is really weird and awesome. IT is so inexplicable too, it’s just a certain je ne sais quoi.

  2. mooselicker November 29, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

    I keep deodorant in the glove compartment of my car. In my lifetime I’ve applied more “Degree for Men” with a steering wheel in front of me than in a bathroom. He’s probably the same kind of guy who in a line of 10 urinals takes the one next to the only other person there.

    And thank you for ruining yogurt for me. And for ruining balls.Those are two things that should not mix.

    • tootsiewoo November 29, 2011 at 5:30 pm #

      He totally is that guy. I don’t have to deal with urinals (for which I’m jealous, but what can you do?) but my brother tells horror stories about “that guy.”
      And I’m sorry about the yogurt imagery. I hate yogurt to begin with so putting them in a sentence with “balls” seemed like the obvious adjective.

      • For Better GENiUS November 29, 2011 at 7:34 pm #

        what can you do? you can get one of these http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_urination_device haha

      • tootsiewoo November 29, 2011 at 9:18 pm #

        Oh. My. God. I WANT THAT! It is totally gross but I want it! Just to have it! (and maybe to actually use…)

      • mooselicker November 30, 2011 at 4:42 pm #

        I guess my next question would be how you feel about balls.

      • tootsiewoo November 30, 2011 at 10:59 pm #

        Oh balls…that is definitely the only time I’ve said that actually referring to balls. hmmmm they are a curious part of the mail anatomy but I surely like them more than yogurt.

  3. Michael Cargill November 30, 2011 at 4:36 am #

    He probably wanders around the changing rooms completely naked as well.

    Cover up old man!

    • tootsiewoo November 30, 2011 at 10:55 am #

      What’s worse is when people are naked and then try having a conversation with you. I bet he does that too!! Damn him, DAMN HIM!

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