Retaining Order

27 Nov

Last night I made the executive decision to wear my retainer.

Yes, people, you heard me!! I WEAR A RETAINER!! I am not perfect and neither are my teeth! Sorry to destroy that illusion!! I have also shared my fear of bears and my attachment to people who are comfortable farting in front of me so I feel this doesn’t come as much of a shock. But, yes, I have a retainer, she is pink and her name is Betsy. I made up that name a 2 seconds ago. But she is pink and I feel, by virtue of that, she is a she.

As a frizzy-haired, Hot Topic wearing tween I had braces and they were not exactly becoming, to say the least. My best friend and I tried to embrace the fact that we were metal-mouthed and would have a competition at lunch to see who could get more of their Tasty Cakes in their braces. Can someone say HOTTIES?!

Also if you know what a Tasty Cake is: I love you.

This is LOVE

My retainer is the only thing I have to remind myself of my humble beginnings. No matter how well I can wield a liquid eyeliner applicator now (I’m a fucking wizard with that thing) or how high my heels are (my shoes have affected my feet slightly more than your typical Chinese foot binding scenario) I used to smear cake in my braces in the cafeteria and laugh until milk came out my nose.

So last night, after weeks, NAY months, of not wearing Betsy, not thinking twice about her, the saucy wench, I decided to put her on. I did not wear braces for two years for nothing!! And it hurt like a bitch. I thought my teeth looked pretty solid in my mouth but apparently they have been having a good old time moving wherever the hell they please. Are our mouths like Toy Story? When we go to sleep it’s just fair game and they have their own lives? It barely fit and I had a panic attack!

All the trips to the orthodontist flooded back to me. That gross goo they put in your mouth to make a mold that gags you every time. The painful tightening of the braces. A middle-aged man sticking his dirty fingers that reek of Indian food down your throat…I am not going back.

Meaning: me and Betsy need to become friends again. I’ll take it as a trip down memory lane, revisiting my past, and praying my future doesn’t resemble it too much. If I really get nostalgic I might just break out the old tapes of me secretly singing along to the Chicago soundtrack in my pajamas. That was a low point.

7 Responses to “Retaining Order”

  1. mooselicker November 28, 2011 at 2:32 pm #

    I know what TastyKakes are! They gave my dad diabetes. I never thought growing up in NJ would have its advantages, but here we are. I feel the love from you overcoming me already. You’re easy.

    My friend Kevin once threw away his retainer accidentally. The janitor made him fish it out of the garbage himself. Janitors rule.

    • tootsiewoo November 28, 2011 at 6:14 pm #

      YEESSSS, I knew you had great potential!! My town of birth, Philadelphia, left me with a disgusting accent and a lovely, prepackaged dessert (sorry about your dad, though…the Tasty is hard to resist). And I have mad respect for Janitors. Kids are already shit, so the fact that they have to take the shit of shits is just too much to process.

  2. Cafe23 November 28, 2011 at 6:06 pm #

    I had braces when I was in middle school and being the insolent child that I was, I didn’t wear my retainers. One of my teeth moved to the point where I was so self-conscious about it, I would never show my teeth when I smiled and always covered my mouth when I laughed. Finally, years later, I decided to get braces again(!) to fix the one tooth. Had ’em in for about 10 months (just got them off a couple months ago) and now I have a permanent retainer AND a removable one too! … Definitely don’t go through Round 2 if ya don’t have to! ๐Ÿ˜€

    • tootsiewoo November 28, 2011 at 7:19 pm #

      Wait a second, you had them TWICE? You are a braver soul than I, you would literally have to drag me into the orthodontists office, claws out, if that ever happened. They would have to put a muzzle on me to get anything done. But you gotta do what you gotta do! You’ve certainly inspired me to wear Betsy every night, though:) And I totally have a permanent retainer! Full disclosure.

      • Cafe23 November 28, 2011 at 10:44 pm #

        Lol it was worth it for the freedom to smile ๐Ÿ˜€ … on that note, I’m gonna go put on my retainer before I hit the bed =P

  3. whenthingsunfinish November 29, 2011 at 12:26 am #

    I’ve seen those tapes…

    • tootsiewoo November 29, 2011 at 1:31 am #

      OH NO (Kenneth accent)!! I will stab you with the blunt end of a spoon if you say more than that.

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