“Wine in the Shower: A Time-saver’s Guide to Alcoholism” by Tootsie Woo

6 Nov

No matter who you are, butcher, baker, candlestick-maker (or my modern twist hooker, slacker, methamphetamine-maker) there is always so much to do and so little time. I mean, how many hours are there in the day? Does anyone even know?! Can somebody tell me? Seriously… And with a constant connection to the world around you through dozens of make-your-life-easier devices (I’m talking cell phones, laptops, soup-can phone, TiVo’s) there ends up just being more tasks you have to complete! Did I respond to all my texts? Have I watched the last episode of The Office for for the fifth time? Did I check my e-mail? Did I check my other e-mail? How about my eleventy billionth e-mail account, donotbotherme@ihavenofreetime.killme?

That being said, this is a post devoted to quick and easy steps to help you have more time. Even if you get 5 more minutes out of your 23 hour day (will someone please tell me how many hours their are!??) I have done my job. All ideas should be read and studied very carefully but none should be actually used as it might result in chronic stupidity, and immediate, embarrassing, Darwin Award worthy, death.

1. Brushing your teeth on the toilet. In order to squeeze a few seconds out of my morning routine, I find it helpful to brush my teeth while irrigating my bladder. And for those who have bathroom stage-fright (the inability to pee when they think someone can hear you, it’s a serious condition!) the running water serves as a healthy buffer. Just be sure to wash your hands before you rinse, unless your into tasting pee the rest of your day (too much?).

2. Packing your lunch while air-drying. Every morning I make my ritual PB sans J sandwich after my shower, naked as the day I was born. I heard once that it’s better for your skin to air dry after your shower, or maybe I’m a liar who likes being nude, hard to say really. Either way, it’s exhilarating doing something as ordinary as sandwich-making without any clothes on so give it a try!!

3. Getting dressed while driving. This started from sheer curiosity. Was I able to put pants on while keeping a foot on the breaks and driving smoothly. Absolutely not! But a time-saver none-the-less! Warning: completion of time-saver will result in definite car-crash and possible half-dressed humiliation.

4. Reading while talking to customers. This is applicable to those who have to deal with customers first hand. Nothing says, “You’re my number one priority” like giving someone 0% of your attention. Also, for those who hate their jobs (this one!) it adds a little excitement and gives the customer the very clear message of “unless you are going to tell me what happens at the end of Far from the Madding Crowd ( or Green Eggs and Ham…) step off.” 

5. Shaving your legs at the dinner table. Not only is this time-saver, getting you fed and hair-less at the same time, it also makes another daily activity superfluous. There is no more need to go to the gym after the loss in appetite your half-shaved legs covered in mashed potatoes causes. You’re welcome.

6. Watching all your favorite shows at the same time. With the length of commercials these days I find I can perfectly sync my favorite shows so that I can basically watch them at the same time, switching from one to the other at every break. How else would I have had time to watch that great episode of CSI where Chandler and Monica got married after finding out their illegitimate dragon was about to give birth, all while having a rare form of Feline Leukemia? Wait…

And those, my friend, are the most basic, most revolutionizing time-savers of the 19th century.

For an Advanced guide to time management look for my next book, out in Maypril 20389 entitled On the Toilet where I teach you how to move any activity to the bathroom, increasing your productivity by .0000001%!

Please feel free to let me know about any time-savers that help get you through your day!!



2 Responses to ““Wine in the Shower: A Time-saver’s Guide to Alcoholism” by Tootsie Woo”

  1. mooselicker November 7, 2011 at 6:40 pm #

    Having sex with myself is a great time saver. We always agree on a time and there’s never any cuddling afterwards.

    • tootsiewoo November 7, 2011 at 9:54 pm #

      Too true! I would definitely add that one if I weren’t a spokesperson for Gerber and American Girl Dolls (they might frown upon that).

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